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BRIDE AND GROOM 



:a jfaccc in Zbicc Bets 



By WALTER BEN HARE 



Copyright 1916 by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 
MAY 19 1916 



P5 35I5 



p-^ 



MAY 19 19I60GLD 43944 



NOTE. The professional acting rights of this play are ex- 
pressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatrical managers 
who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur representation 
may be made without such application and without charge. 



BRIDE AND GROOM. 



CHARACTERS. 

Dr. Ray Bancroft The groom, a young M.D. 

Judge Andy Dusenberry A jolly old bachelor 

Jerry Cronin A young Irish butler 

Sad-eyed Wallace Wanted by the police 

Officer Henn Laying for Wallace 

Chloe Tollerton The bride, with a mind of her own 

Miss Eudora Dodge A wealthy maiden lady 

Kathleen Cronin A young ivife 

Emmaline Diggs. .Aged lo, full of mischief 

Maggie The doctor's hired girl 

Time. — The present. Locality. Springfield, Mo, 

Time of Playing. — A full evening, 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act. I. — Reception-room adjoining Ray Bancroft's office. K 
morning in May. Patients cured while they wait. Maggie finds 
the skeleton in the closet- Jerry, hunting for a job, is made a 
patient in spite of himself. Maggie's disappointment. " I was 
hopin' you'd get a chance to cut him up ! " Aunt Eudora and 
one of her thirty-seven pugs. The jolly old bachelor. " I hope 
the cat chews him to sausage-meat, then there'll be only thirty- 
six." Little Emmaline Diggs, aged lo, tries to get even with 
her sister's beau. Officer Henn is laying for a bad man from 
Joplin. Chloe insists on seeing the patients. " Hire him enough 
patients to start an asylum." A bunch of wonderful cures. 
Off for the wedding ! 



IB Bride and Groom. 

played as broadly as desired. It has been very successfully 
done as a " Sis Hopkins " soubrette with striped stockings, wired 
pigtails, etc. 

Emmaline — Kid soubrette. Aged ic May be played by 
young miss or by small lady in short skirts. Play loudly and 
confidently. Ordinary street clothes of a child of lo, suitable 
to the month of May. Tarn hat or sunbonnet Imitate a child's 
voice and a child's nervous giggle. Very lively, jumping from one 
foot to another, chewing gum, etc 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Act. I. — Hand-brush, dust-pan, feather-duster, doctor's ther- 
mometer, long butcher's knife, large umbrella and carpet bag 
(or old-fashioned grip) for Maggie. Parasol, and large bouquet 
of long-stemmed roses for Chole. Policeman's helmet, club and 
dark lantern for Henn. Suitcase full of shirts, socks, etc, for 
Jerry. Fancy basket containing pug dog (live or imitation). 
Train whistle off stage at R- Crutches and skeleton in c cupboard. 

(NOTE. — If a genuine skeleton is not obtainable, one can be 
readily imitated by painting the outlines in white on black muslin 
or some similar material. As the audience obtains but a mo- 
mentary view of the skeleton, if neither of the above arrange- 
ments can be carried out, the skeleton may be entirely omitted 
if the cupboard is placed in either R. or l. up corner of stage so 
that the door opening towards the audience, the interior is con- 
sequently visible to Maggie only). 

Act II. — Towel and work basket for Maggie. Several pots of 
flowering plants for Jerry. Red socks and knitting needles for 
Aunt Eudora. Necklace in leather case, and glass of water for 
Andy. The baby (a doll in long dresses). Imitator for baby's 
crying. Writing material on table. Tablet and pencil. 

Act. III. — Flash-lights for Jerry, the Doctor and Wallace. 
Revolver and handcuffs for Henn. Flash-light and stuffed 
pillow for Andy. Dinner bell for Maggie. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, r. 
means right-hand; l., left-hand; c, center of stage; d. l., door at 
left; D. R., door at right. Up means toward back of stage; down, 
toward footlights. 



BRIDE AND GROOM. 



ACT I. 



SCENE. — Reception-room of Ray Bancroft. Neat inferior scene, 
with door r., leading to street and door l., leading to 
the office. Large window at back c, extending nearly to 
floor. This window must be arranged for characters to 
climb in and out easily. Curtains at windozv. Large cup- 
board or wardrobe c. near the window. A similar cupboard 
down R. Neat carpet down on stage and pictures on the 
walls. One picture, on zvall l. must be easily accessible as 
it must be taken down by Wallace. This picture is simply 
a paper lithograph in a wooden frame and is also used by 
Aunt Eudora to be broken over Andy's head. Easy chair 
L. c. Large table c. Sofa r. Seven other chairs around 
stage. Fire-place, desk, clock, palms, book-case and other 
non-essential furniture used to dress the stage, but see that 
stage is not crowded. 

Curtain rises to bright music played forte. DISCOVERED 
Maggie c. kneeling and sweeping, with a hand-brush, small 
pieces of paper in a dust-pan. Is singing loudly, but very 
much out of tune. Maggie (singing). 

" Call me up some rainy afternoon, 
Call me up some rainy afternoon, 
Come around to-morrow night, 
We can then turn down the light " 

[Rises, places brush and pan on table c. Takes duster from 
table. Dusts furniture, etc., as she sings. Goes to ward- 
robe c. rear, dusts it. Opens door displaying skeleton hang- 
ing against black background. (See NOTE under incidental 
properties, page 6. She gives a loud shriek and throws 
apron over her head) 

2 



8 Bride and Groom. 

Maggie. Oh, Doctor, l3octor! Help, murder, help! Police, 
fire, murder ! 

ENTER D. L. Doctor Ray Bancroft. IVcars smohing-jacket. 

Doctor Bancroft. For goodness' sake, Maggie, what's hap- 
pened ? 

Maggie {seated R-, apron over head, rocking body hack and 
forth and moaning). Oh, doctor, doctor, to think it's come to 
this. Why did I ever leave my home in — {Insert name of small 
town) to come to the city to work for a doctor. Oh, take it 
away, take it away ! 

Doctor. Take what away? What's the matter with you, 
Maggie ? 

Maggie. The dead man. The corpse that's in the cupboard, 
sir. Oh, take it away. 

Doctor. Corpse in the cupboard? Why, that's only a skeleton. 
Tom Brice sent it to me this morning. 

Maggie. Oh, take it away. Take it back and bury it decently. 

Doctor. Nonsense. See, it can't harm you. (Exposes it) 
It's only bones. Surely you're not afraid of a skeleton, are you? 

Maggie (peeking from apron). Is that all it is, sir, just a 
skellington ? 

Doctor. Certainly. You're not afraid of a little thing like 
that, are you. 

Maggie (approaching him timidly). Oh, no, doctor, I ain't 
afraid of no bones. Are you sure it's only a skellington, doctor? 

Doctor. Of course. See for yourself. Don't you know what 
a skeleton is? 

Maggie. Yes, sir. It's some bones with the people all scraped 
off. I ain't afraid of it, but it makes me nervous like. Put it 
away, and lock the door. 

Doctor. Very well. Now hurry and clean up. I wouldn't 
want a patient to come in and find the room like this. 

[EXIT D. L. 

Maggie, I'm going to hunt me another place. I can stand 
toads and things in pickle jars, but I ain't going to put up with 
no skellington. It ain't healthy. I ain't a goin' to have that 
thing a kickin' around in that cupboard as long as I'm in the 
house. (Down l. Loud knock heard d. r.) Heavens and earth, 
what's that! (Throws apron over head) Take it away, take 
it away. It's trying to git out off the cupboard. Oh ! 

Doctor (inside l.). Maggie, answer the door. 



Bride and Groom. 9 

Maggie, Yes, sir. (Goes to d. r. Just as she is about to open 
it, there is another loud knock. Maggie is very frightened. 
Opens the door a little and peeks out through the crc h) What 
do you want? 

Jerry (outside R-)- I want to see ''.e doctor. 

Maggie. The doctor? 

Jerry. Yes, mum ; is he in ? 

Maggie. I'll see if he's in or nrt. Jest wait a minute. 

Doctor (appears d. l.). What 's it, Maggie? 

Maggie (c.). There's A man cit there. 

Doctor. What does he wan* ? 

Maggie. Wants to see you 

Doctor. What kind of a looking man is he? 

Maggie. Oh, jest a plain ordinary man, with arms and feet 
and everything. 

Doctor. A patient ! Wait till I get my operating coat on. 
Don't let him get away. Show him in and tell him '^o ^it 
down. Tell him F't: busy with seven or eight othir patients. 

[EXIT D. L. 

Maggie (opening d. r.). The doctor says for you to come in 
and set. 

ENTER D, R. Jerry Cronin. Cap in hands. 

Jerry. Thank you kindly, mum. (Stands vp c. bashfully 
twisting cap) 

Maggie (hands kim a chair). He's busy with nineteen or 
twenty other patients just now. So you can set. 

Jerry (sits en edge of chair). I can wait, mum. 

Maggie (making " eyes" at him). Are you ailin' very bad? 

Jerry. Am I what? 

Maggie. Ailin'. You know — with the scarlet fever or hydro- 
phoby or cramps, or some miseries like them. (Smiles at him) 

Jerry. No, I'm all right. 

Maggie. Do ''11 be here in a minute. He ain't got as many 
patients as he . ^s on. Fact is, he ain't got nary a patient. 
You'll be the firb one we've had in over two weeks. I hope 
you got something ^al interesting that's the matter with you. 
The doc. kin cut oft ^ > just lovely. 

ENTER D. L. DocTOi" Wears a white jacket, and comes c 

Doctor. Ali, good :.;jrning. (Jerry meets him c.) Pleasant 



10 Bride and Oroom. 

morning, isn't it? (Shakes hands with him) Your hands are 
hot. You must have a fever. Maggie! 

Maggie. Yes, sir. 

Doctor. Bring my medical thermometer. 

Maggie. Your whatometer, sir? 

Doctor. The little glass tube out of my case. Hurry up. 
This is very important. 

Jerry. But, sor, I 

DocTor. Hurry, girl! Do you want the man to die on my 
hands? 

Maggie. Oh, laws, no sir ! I'm hurrying. [EXIT d. l. running. 

Doctor. Now let me feel your pulse. (Takes his wrist, looks 
at watch) 

Jerry. Me pulse, is it? 

Doctor (counting seconds), i, 2, 3, 4, 5. Normal. Your 
pulse is quite normal. 

Jerry. Is it catching, doctor? I didn't know I had it. 

ENTER D. L. Maggie, running, carrying thermometer. 

Maggie (waving thermometer). Is this the thing you want, 
doc? 

Doctor (retaining hold of Jerry). Yes, that's it. Don't be 
nervous, sir. 

Jerry. But, doctor 

Doctor. Put it in your mouth. 

Jerry. In me mouth, is it? 

Maggie (bending over and watching them breathlessly). And 
be sure y' don't bite it off. (With the bulb of the thermometer 
in his mouth, Jerry looks helplessly around. Doctor stands 
with watch in hands counting seconds) 

Doctor, i, 2, 3, 4, 5. (Looks at bulb) Normal. Quite normal. 
But you are somewhat excited. How's your appendix? 

Jerry. Me pen-dix. Sure, I didn't know I had a pendix. 

Doctor (bending over and listening at his heart). I hear it 
beat. It's not quite regular. (Stands back and looks at him) 
Man, man, you're in an awful way. I suspected it from the 
first. You are in the last stages of appendicitis. I'll have to 
operate. 

Jerry. Oh, my; oh, my! 

Maggie. Is it ketchin', sir? 

Doctor. Hurry, Maggie, and get the operating table ready. 
The knives are all sharp. I can run this job through in a hurry. 



Bride and Groom. 11 

Jerry. Oh me, oh my, it's a dead man I am. 

Maggie. Is he took bad, doctor? 

Doctor {impatienily). Don't stand there jabbering. Run, 
I tell you. Or I'll have a dead man on my hands. 

Maggie. Yes, sir. (Runs out with funny steps, d. l.) 

Doctor (forcing Jerry into easy chair, l. c). Now you Just 
sit down and keep cool. Don't lose your nerve. And above 
all things, don't get excited. 

Jerry (struggling). Let me out of this. Oh, sure I'm a dead 
man, and me poor wife'll be a widow, so she will. 

Doctor (forcing him to keep still). Quiet, now, quiet. Every- 
thing depends on your being quiet. 

Jerry (throws him off). I'll not be quiet- (Rises) You're 
making a big mistake, doctor. I'm not a sick man. 

Doctor. There, there, don't be afraid, don't be afraid. It 
won't hurt you very much. I'll use chloroform. 

Jerry. You'll use nothing at all, at all. It's all a mistake, 
doctor. I'm not sick. I came to see you on another matter 
entirely. 

Doctor (astounded). Not sick? 

Jerry. Niver a bit. I'm as strong as a Kilkenny cat on a 
back fence. 

Doctor. Aren't you a patient? Don't you need medical 
attention ? 

Jerry. No, sor. Not at all, sor. That's not what I came to 
see you about at all. 

Doctor. And you don't want an operation? 

Jerry (emphatically). I do not, sor. 

Doctor. Then what can I do you for? I mean, what can I do 
for you? 

ENTER D. L. Maggie, with long knife. 

Maggie. Table's all ready, doc. And I brung the butcher 
knife. 

Doctor. Never mind, Maggie. Put it away again. This 
gentleman did not call for professional treatment. 

Maggie. Ain't he a patient, sir? 

Doctor. No. That will do, Maggie. 

Maggie (goes to d. l.). And I was hoping you'd get a chance 
to cut him up. I'm awfully disappointed. [EXIT D. L. 

Jerry (r.). I'm after hunting for a job, sor. 



12 Bride and Groom. 

Doctor. Hunting for a job. I'm sorry, my good man, but 
I have nothing for you. 

Jerry (pleadingly). I'd work faithful, sor. I've been widout 
a job fer ten wakes now, sor. I walked all the way from Joplin. 
I had to lave the wife and baby there, sor. I thought I'd be 
after gettin' something to do here in Springfield. I could tind 
the office for you, sor. And I'm a good chaufifeur. 

Doctor (c). To tell the truth, I zvoiild like to have a good 
office man. It would lend dignity to the place. But I haven't 
been here very long, and haven't a very large practice. I've only 
i^een a doctor for six months and, to speak frankly, I've only had 
onp patient in that time, my aunt Eudora. 

Jerry {hopefully). Maybe I could be a patient, sor. I'd be 
willing to try, and I'd work faithful. 

Doctor {laughing). I can't afford to hire patients, and I'm 
afraid I can't afford to hire an office man. But, I'd like to help 
you 

Jerry. Yis, sor. Thank ye kindly. {Turns away) Maybe 
I'll be after getting a job at the shops. 

ENTER D. R. Aunt Eudora, carrying basket containing pug. 

Aunt E. {not seeing Jerry, coming c. and speaking to Doctor 
Zi'ho is now l. c.). Good morning, Raymond. I brought little 
Theodore over for you to look at. {Exhibits pug) He hasn't 
been quite himself for the past few days. {Sees Jerry) Oh, I 
beg your pardon. I didn't know you were busy. 

Doctor (l.). That's all right, Aunt Eudora. This young man 
is looking for employment. 

Aunt E. For employment? {To Jerry) Can you take care 
of a garden? (Doctor goes up, then crosses to r.) 

Jerry (coming to R. c). Yis, mum. I used to garden in the 
old country. 

Aunt E. And have you any references? 

Jerry. Oh, yis mum. I'm a good worker, mum. But I just 
got laid off. I've had experience as a gardner and a chauffeur. 

Aunt E. Oh, I've always wanted to have a nice chauffeur. 
Are you sure you're a good chauffeur. 

Jerry. Yis, mum. I've chauffed for three years, in all the 
best families. I can buttle, too. 

Aunt E. Buttle? (Doctor comes down r.) 

Jerry. Yis, mum. Wait on the table, I mane. And serve 
the meat and wine. 



Bride and Groom. 13 

Aunt E. Oh, I've alwaj-s wanted to have a butler. 

Doctor. I think he'd make you a good man, Auntie. 

Aunt E. (l.). Are you fond of pugs? 

Jerry (c.)- Pugs? I niver ate any. 

Aunt E. Pug dogs. Darling little snub-nosed fellows with 
crinkly tails. I have thirty-four. You'd have to take care of 
them, and give each one a bath every day. And they have to 
have an airing in the grove each afternoon. 

Jerry. Not me ! Not me ! 

Aunt E. What ! 

Doctor (r.). He says he's awfully fond of pugs. He simply 
adores them. Don't you. (Kicks him, not seen by Aunt 
Eudora) 

Jerry. Ouch ! Oh, yes indade, sor. Indade I do. 

Aunt E. What is your name? 

Jerry. Jerry, mum, Jerry Cronin, at yer service, mum. 

Aunt E. Do you drink, Jerry? 

Jerry (raises left hand and speaks piously, rolling eyes). Oh, 
niver, mum. 

Aunt E. Use tobacco? 

Jerry. Niver, mum. 

Aunt E. Swear? 

Jerry. Niver, mum. 

Aunt E. Go to church? 

Jerry. Niver, mum. 

Doctor (catches him, pushes him to R. and conies to c). Oh, 
yes, he does, Auntie. Indeed, he does. He goes to church every 
night and four times on Sunday. And he's the vice-president 
of the Epworth League. Ain't you, Jerry? (IVinks at him) 

Jerry. Yis, sor; and I sing in the choir, too. 

Aunt E. I think I'll engage you. 

Jerry. Thank j'ou, mum. 

Aunt E. You may start to work at once. 

Jerry. Thank ye, mum. The saints be praised. I'll be writin' 
to me family this afternoon. It's crazy they'll be. 

Aunt E. Your family? You're not a married man, are you, 
Jerry? 

Doctor. Of course he isn't. He means his father and mother. 
Why, he's a mere boy. 

Jerry. But, sor 

Doctor. Why, he never even thought of getting married, did 
you, Jerry? 

Jerry (rattled). Yes, mum- I mean, sor. I mean, no sor. 



14 Bride and Groom. 

Aunt E. {relieved). Well, I'm glad of that. I never could 
tolerate a married man. If there's any bossing to be done, I 
can do it myself. Raymond, where is Maggie? 

Doctor. I think she's making her toilette in the kitchen. 

Aunt E. Jerry, I think I'll let you take little Theodore to 
her. 

Jerry {looking around). Little Theodore, mum? 

Aunt E. Certainly. 

Jerry. And where is little Theodore, mum? 

Aunt E. {handing him the basket ivhich he takes gingerly). 
Right here. {Speaks to dog) Does mummsy's 'ittle darling 
snookums have to come and see nass'y old doctor? 

Jerry. Begorra, it's a dog. 

Aunt E. {complacently). Take him in to Maggie. Tell her 
to treat him tenderly, put him to bed, and then broil him a nice 
little pork-chop for his lunch. 

Jerry, Yis, mum. {Crosses to d. l. muttering) Sure, I know 
I'm going to fall in love with this job. {Turns to her) Does 
he bite, mum? 

Aunt E. Oh, no; he's far too languid to bite. You won't 
have any trouble at all. He's the dearest little thing. Treat him 
tenderly. 

Jerry (d. l.). Yis, mum; I'll treat him tinderly. {Makes 
grimace at audience) I'll treat him tinderly. [EXIT d. l. 

Doctor. I think you've got a good man. Aunt Eudora. 

Aunt E. And isn't he handsome? He has the cutest nose. 
I've always wanted to have a handsome butler, and now I've got 
him. 

Doctor. I wonder if you wouldn't lend him to me, once in 
a while? 

Aunt E. Why, of course, I will. He can attend to the office 
for you. I'm so glad he is fond of Theodore, and that he isn't 
married, I simply would not tolerate a married man, 

ENTER D. L. Andy Dusenberry. 

Andy, Hello, Ray, my boy. And Miss Eudora, this is an 
unexpected pleasure. And you're looking so well, too. I declare 
you get younger and prettier every day, Eudora. 

Aunt E. {pleased). Oh, Mr, Dusenberry. 

Andy. How are the dogs? 

Aunt E. Very well, thank you. All but Theodore, He's 



Bride and Groom. 15 

a little indisp'osed. And Solomon was scratched by a horrid cat 
yesterday. 

Andy. Too bad. Poor little Solomon. Let me see — he's the 
one that tried to eat a hole in the leg of my trousers last Sunday, 
ain't he? 

Aunt E. Yes, he's the one. Little Solomon is so playful. 

Andy (turns to Doctor r.). Well, boy, I've got some good 
news for you. A little surprise. You'll never guess who's 
coming down to spend the day with her old uncle. 

Doctor (delighted). Not Chloe? 

Andy, I thought that would make you sit up and take notice. 

Doctor. Chloe coming here to-day? 

Andy. You bet. I just got a telegram from her. She says 
she's simply dying to see her uncle Andy but (To Aunt 
Eudora) we know who she's simply dying to see, don't we? 

Doctor. Why, I just got a letter from her this morning. She 
never said a word about coming to-day. 

Andy. I suppose it just popped into her head and she decided 
to come. She wants to look over her future home. Oh, you 
young lovers ! I know how it is myself. 

Doctor. You ? 

Aunt E. Andy Dusenberry, I'm surprised at you. A man 
of your age! 

Andy. Merely by hearsay. That's how I know. Merely by 
hearsay. 

Doctor. I'll have to get Maggie to straighten up the house, 
and I'll borrow Jerry to look after the grounds a little. Chloe 
coming to-day ! Hurray ! I haven't seen her since last Sunday. 
And she's coming here. What time'll she be in? I'll have to go 
over to the station to meet her. Excuse me. Auntie, I have to 
get ready to meet Chloe. [EXIT quickly, d. l. 

Andy (c, looking after him). Well, what do you think of 
that? 

Aunt E. He's just like every other man. The moment a 
pretty girl comes to town, he loses every bit of sense he ever 
had, if he ever had any at all. Men are all alike. 

Andy. Now, Miss Eudora, you musn't be too hard on us 
young fellows, you know. That's just the way I felt about you 
fifteen years ago. 

Aunt E. Indeed? I don't see you getting very excited at 
the mention of my name nowadays. 

Andy. It's all your own fault. We'd have been married long 
ago, if we could ever agree about a single thing. 



16 Bride and Groom. 

Aunt E. I always agree, Andy Dusenberry, but you don't. 
It's a man's nature to be stubborn, and men are men all the 
world over. 

Andy. There you go picking on the men. You won't let 
us fellows have any show at all. 

Aunt E. Fellows? Fellows? At your age. 

Andy. Oh, I ain't so old. (Struts to r., hands in arms of 
vest) I'm still in the ring, I'm still in the ring. 

Aunt E. (impatiently). You're eight years older than me, 
Andy Dusenberry, and you know it. 

Andy. Yes, I know, but some people get older faster than 
other people. 

Aunt E. (ominously) . Meaning me, I suppose? 

Andy. You? How could you think so? You are just as 
young and charming as you were when you were seventeen. 
Do you remember your birthday party that night? The moon- 
light and us in the garden? 

Aunt E. Moonlight fiddlesticks! It was raining pitchforks. 

Andy. Not at all. I remember it perfectly. You pinned 
a rose on my coat out in the garden. 

Aunt E. The idea ! I never was such a fool. You've got me 
mixed up with some other girl, I never had a seventeenth 
birthday, I mean I never had a party. 

Andy. Yes, you did, too. I know, because I was there. 

Aunt E. Nothing of the sort. I guess I know whether I had 
a party or not. 

Andy. Well, don't let's argue about it. 

Aunt E. I'm not arguing. I'm simply stating plain facts. 

Andy. Plain facts, humph! It's just like Uncle Jake Dobbins 
says, " women always want to have their own way." 

Aunt E. (impatiently) . Don't talk to me about Uncle Jake 
Dobbins. He's so old he's childish. And what does he know 
about women anyway? 

Andy. He ought to know about them. He's been married 
three times and is going on ninety. 

Aunt E. Going on ninety? He's not either. He can't be a 
day older than eighty-seven. 

Andy. He's my own uncle, Eudora Dodge, and I guess I 
know how old he is. He'll be ninety in March. 

Aunt E. If he will that would make him older than Grandma 
Gibbons, and I know she's older than he is. 

Andy. There you go, there you go, (Pause) Looks like 
rain, don't it? 



Bride and Groom. 17 

Aunt E. (angrily). I don't care what it looks like. I never 
saw such a contrary man in all my born days. If I said the sun 
was made out of purple calico, you'd say it wasn't so. 

Andy (approaches her). Now, Eudora 

Aunt E. Don't you Eudora me. I'm getting tired of having 
you make me out a falsifier all the time. You act as if I didn't 
know anything. 

Andy. No, I don't Eudora. 

Aunt E. That's right, contradict me. You think that just 
because your niece Chloe Tollcrton is going to marry my nephew, 
the doctor, that you can boss me. Now, once and for all, I 
won't be bossed. 

Andy. But I only said 

Aunt E. That'll do. I know what you said, and what you're 
going to say. You haven't a sympathetic nature. I can tell 
that just by the way you treat my thirty-seven little pets. 

Andy. Well, I can't help it if I don't like pugs, can I? 

Aunt E. It just shows how hard-hearted you are. 

Andy (concilliatingly) . Now, don't let's quarrel. 

Aunt E. Quarrel? Mr. Dusenberry, I never quarrel. Why, 
the very idea ! 

ENTER d. l. Doctor, followed by Jerry. 

Doctor. I've just got time to make the train. Auntie, you'd 
better run. Your dog got away, and he's out in the back of the 
yard fighting with Thompson's cats. (Barking and cat-cries heard 
offu) 

Aunt E. Oh, my poor little Theodore ! Andy, save him, save 
him! (Clutches Andy's arm) 

Andy. I wouldn't do it for anybody but you, Eudora. (Noise 
continues) 

Aunt E. (rushes to d. l.). Oh, hear them! He'll be killed, 
and he's such a delicate little doggie. [EXIT d. l. 

Andy (d. l-). I hope the cat chews him into sausage meat 
Then there'd be only thirty-six. [EXIT l. 

ENTER Jerry d. c. 

Jerry. Beg pardon, sor, but you made a mistake when you 
told the old lady that I wasn't married. I am married, sor, 
and I'm a happy father of a fine young lad who is six months old. 



18 Bride and Groom. 

• 

Doctor. Never breathe a word of it to Aunt Eudora. She 
'doesn't believe in married men. 

Jerry. But, sor 

Doctor. I've got to catch that train. [EXIT running d. r. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Eudora, with dog and Andy. 

Aunt E. Andy Dusenberry, you're a hero, so you are. I'm 
sorry I ever quarrelled with you. It's just my nasty disposition. 

Andy. No, it ain't, Eudora, it's all my fault. 

Aunt E. Not at all. It's my fault- I'm so set in my ways* 

Andy. Why, no you ain't- You ain't at all- 

Aunt E. I am. I am, too, I tell you- I know I am. 

Andy. Well, have it your own way. 

Aunt E. But sometimes you do aggravate me so. 

Andy. It can't be helped, I guess. 

Aunt E. Come, Andy, you carry Theodore and we'll walk 
down to the station and welcome Chloe to her future home. 

Andy. Yes, Eudora, I'm coming. [EXEUNT d, r. 

Jerry. Ho, ho, so that's the way the wind blows, is it? And 
the two of 'em old enough to be a grandpa and grandma this 
blessed minute. 



ENTER D. L. Maggie. 

Maggie- Say, are you going to work here? 

Jerry. I'm going to work for the old lady- Is this her house? 

Maggie. It uster was, but it hain't now. She give it to the 
doctor for a wedding present. 

Jerry. And is he going to get married? 

Maggie. Sure he is. He's going to marry Mr. Dusenberry's 
niece. Miss Chloe Tollerton from Joplin. My, she's a reg'lar 
lalla-paloosa, she is. She's jest got money to burn, and is an 
orphant and kin do jest as she pleases. It's her what's coming to 
visit us to-day. 

Jerry {seated l.). And is the old lady rich? 

Maggie (r.). You bet she is. But the doc. ain't got a cent. 
And we don't have a patient from Monday to Sunday. His 
aunt has to pay all the bills, but she's hoping to make him a real 
doctor in time. You see, folks don't trust these here new 
doctors. 



Bride and Groom. 19 

ENTER D. R. Emmaline Diggs, and comes 'down C 

Emm ALINE. Say, I want to see the doctor. 

Jerry. The doctor, is it? 

Emma. Sure. Are you him? 

Maggie. What you want to see him for? Who's sick? 

Emma. Ain't nobody sick yet. That's what I want to see 
him for. I want to make somebody sick. (To Jerry) Are you 
him. 

Jerry. I'm a him all right, all right. 

Emma. But are you the doctor, the chief hink, the big bone- 
setter, the pill peddler? 

Jerry (laughs). Sure, I'm the doctor. Ain't I, Maggie? 

Maggie (laughing). Sure, you are. 

Jerry. Then bring me me white coat. 

Maggie. Yes, sir. [EXIT laughing d. l. 

Emma, (approaching Jerry). Well, I want a nickle's worth 
of quinine? 

Jerry. And what for do you want it? 

Emma. Promise you won't tell. 

Jerry. Niver a word. 

ENTER D. L. Maggie, with white coat. 

Maggie. Here's your coat, doc (Jerry puts it on, and sits l.) 

Emma. I want the quinine because I want to get even with 
my sister's beau. He's a tight-wad, and no tight-wad ever makes 
a home run with me. See? 

Maggie. And how are you going to get even with him? 

Emma. I'm going to get some quinine, and I'm going to mix 
it with my sister's face powder. And when he kisses her, he'll 
see ! 

Jerry (laughs). Sure, it's a smart kid, you are. 

Maggie. And what's your name? 

Emma. My name's Emmaline Diggs. Sister's name is Gertie, 
and her beau's name is Huggins. Ain't that a fierce name — 
Huggins? He was over to our house last night and stayed and 
stayed and stayed. He wouldn't even give me a nickel. Paw 
got mad and woke us all up by yelling at him. Paw yelled 
down stairs, "Do you all know what time it is?" And then I 
heard Huggins say (Imitate lover's pleading) "Just one, dear, 
just one! " 

Jerry. And then what did you hear? 



^ Bride and Groom. 

Emma, (laughs)- I heard the funniest sound, jest like our old 
cow a-drawing her foot out of soft mud. (Imitates kiss) Like 
that! 

Maggie (laughs). You're the beatingest child I ever did see. 

Jerry. I'm afraid we ain't got no quinine to-day. We're all 
out. I sold the last just this morning. 

ENTER D. R. Officer Henn and comes c R. 

Maggie. Mercy on us, look what the cat brought in. 

Henn (c). I want to see the doctor. 

Emma. (l'. c.). There he is. Take a good look. He's worth 
it. 

Jerry (l. rises). And what can I do for you, sor? 

Henn. Are you the doctor? 

Emma. Sure, he's the doctor. I'm one of his patients. 

Henn. I'm looking for a tramp. He's somewhere in this 
neighborhood. I wondered if you'd seen anything of him. 

Jerry (nervously). Have I seen him? Sure, I don't think 
I have at all, at all. 

Maggie. What's he done? 

Henn. He got mixed up in a deal over in Joplin. 

Jerry and Maggie. Joplin ! 

Henn. Yes, Joplin. He cracked a man over the head, stole 
his watch and money, and the last heard of him, he was headed 
this way, walking toward Springfield. 

Maggie. Oh, my. And all my good clothes laying right out 
in my room. 

Emma. I'm going over to the drug-store and get my quinine. 
(Goes to D. R., turns) Cop, cop, you surely are a sight, 

Loaf all day and sleep at night. Ya, ya 
ya ! [EXIT running d. r. 

Henn. INIy, would you listen to that She's a fresh kid all 
right. 

Maggie (l.). Say, is that tramp you're looking for an Irish- 
man? 

Henn. I don't know, but he's a bad man. He's wanted in 
Joplin for robbery and assault and battery, in Kansas City for 
bigamy, in St. Louis for felony and in St. Jo. for highway 
robbery. 

Maggie. And you say he's In this neighborhood- 

Henn. Yes, one of the men saw him. early this morning. 
Let's see, this is the Dodge place, ain't it? 



Bride and Groom. SI 

Jerry. It is, sor. 

Henn. And the old lady is your aunt, isn't she? 

Jerry. No, sor. I mane, yes, sor. She's me aunt on me 
mother's side. 

Henn. How long have you been a doctor here? 

Jerry. Since this morning. 

Henn. This morning? Then you just moved in? 

Jerry. No, sor. That vi^as a mistake, sor. I've been here 
about six months, sor. But I just started to practice this 
mornin', sor. 

Henn. Well, if you see anything of a tramp from Joplin 
j'ou want to telephone to police headquarters. He's a dangerous 
man. (Turns to Maggie) He wouldn't stop at murder or 
nothin'. Good day. [EXIT D. R. 

Jerry. Sure, and he thought I was the doctor. 

Maggie. Say, you came from Joplin, didn't you? 

Jerry. Sure, I came from Joplin. 

Maggie (trembling). And you w-w-walked? 

Jerry. Yis, I walked. 

Maggie. Oh, mister, please don't take my good clothes. And 
I ain't got a cent, nor neither has the doctor. If you want the 
furniture, take it, and take the skellington in the cupboard, but 
for goodness' sakes go away. 

Jerry (starts tozvard her). But I ain't 

Maggie (running around table, very frightened). He said 
you wouldn't stop at murder. Help, help, fire, murder, police! 

[EXIT running d. l. 

Jerry. Here, stop a bit. I ain't the man at all, at all. 

[EXIT D. L. 

ENTER D. R. Doctor, escorting Chloe Tollerton, followed by 
Aunt Eudora and Andy, carrying dog. 

Doctor. Welcome, Chloe, welcome to your future home. 

Chloe. Oh, isn't it dear. (Looks around) What a lovely 
old place. Simply ideal for a doctor's office. And I suppose 
that passageway (Points to L.) leads to the house? 

Doctor. That leads to my office and a porch runs from the 
office to the house. 

Chloe (turns to Aunt Eudora who is down L. c). Oh, Miss 
Dodge, how can I ever thank you for such a lovely home. 

Aunt E. Don't thank me, honey. I'm a poor old maid with 



2d Bride and Groom. 

more money than I can ever use myself, so I want to make you 
and my nephew happy- My house is right across the street. 

Chloe (goes to her and kisses her). I think you're a darling. 
Isn't she, Uncle Andy? 

Andy. My opinion exactly. 

Aunt E. But come, dear, I want you to see the house. This 
is only the reception-room to the doctor's office. Come, I'll 
show you all through the house. There's seventeen rooms and 
three baths. Andy, I'll take little Theodore now. You must 
be tired carrying him. 

Andy. Oh, no. No, indeed. 

Aunt E. Yes, you are. You don't like dogs and I know it. 
(^Takes dog and shozvs it to Chloe) See, isn't he a darling? 

Chloe (shrinking back). 'Oh, it's a dog. 

Aunt E. And don't you like dogs? This is Theodore. Isn't 
he a dear? 

Chloe. Yes, he's very pretty. 

Aunt E. Do you want to carry him? 

Chloe. Oh, no. I'm afraid. I only like dogs at a distance, 
and the greater the distance, the greater I like them. 

Aunt E. Humph ! You're just like your uncle in that respect. 
Come! [EXIT d. l. 

Chloe. Oh, I'm afraid I've put my foot in it, but I simply 
detest the horrid little brute;. [EXIT D. L. 

Andy. Ray, my boy, I envy you. If your aunt Eudora would 
only consent, I believe I'd propose to her, and we'd have a 
double wedding. 

ENTER D. L. Maggie. She wears funny hat and coat, and 
carries large umbrella and carpet-bag. 

Maggie. I'm going to hunt another job, doc 

Doctor. Going to leave? 

Maggie. Yes, sir. It ain't healthy around here no more. 

Doctor. But you mustn't leave to-day. What will Chloe say? 

Andy. Yes, Maggie, you musn't leave until after the 
wedding. 

Maggie. I've worked in this house goin' on nine years, sir ; 
but never before have I seen such goings on. The policeman 
has been here, sir. 

Doctor. Policeman ? 

Maggie. And he's wanted in Kansas City for bigamy and 
in St. Jo. for highway robbery. To say nothing about the 



Bride and Groom. 23 

skellington in the cupboard. If them ani't enough reasons to 
make a lady leave her job, what is? 

Doctor. I don't understand a word you're saying. Are you 
still afraid of that skeleton in the closet? 

Maggie. As I said before, I ain't afraid, but I must confess it 
makes me nervous. To say nothing of the other. Why, the 
policeman said he wouldn't stop at murder, and he's wanted in 
St. Louis for felony and in Joplin for assault and batter. 

Doctor. Who's wanted in Joplin for assault and batter ? 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Eudqra. 

Aunt E. Chloe's out in the rose garden picking you a 
bouquet. She's perfectly delighted with the house- 

Maggie. Please, mum, I want to get another situation. 

Aunt E. Nonsense, Maggie. You can't go until after the 
wedding. 

Maggie. But the police was here and they got the house 
surrounded. It might mean we're all to be murdered, mum, 
'cause he's a desperate man and won't never be took alive. He'll 
stop at nothing. 

Doctor. There, there, Maggie, there's been too much excite- 
ment for you to-day. That skeleton has upset your nerves. 
Here's a dollar for you. 

Andy. Yes, and here's another one- Now go back to work. 

Aunt E. We'll raise your wages to six dollars a week, 
Maggie, but you simply cannot think of leaving until after the 
wedding. 

Maggie. Well, I'll try it a while. But if there's any excite- 
ment comes, I'm going to lock my door and get under the bed. 
I ain't very strong, and I can't stand excitement. [EXIT d. l. 

Aunt E. Raymond, I can't say you're a very attentive lover. 
Why aren't you out in the rose garden with Chloe? Her train 
leaves in an hour. 

Doctor. So it does. Much obliged for the hint. (Runs to 
n. L.) 

ENTER D. L. Chloe, her arms full of long-stemmed roseS' 

Chloe (meeting the doctor)- Hello, big man, where you 
going? 

Doctor. Just started to find the dearest girl on earth. 
Aunt E. (to Andy r.)- Come, Andy, this is no place for us. 



24 Bride and Groom. 

Andy. But T wanted to hear how they go about it. I just 
want to hear the start, that's all. I think I could make love all 
right, if I could ever get a good start. 

Aunt E. Don't be a simpleton. [EXIT d. r. 

Andy. Wait a minute, Eudora, I'm coming. (Follows her 
out D. R.) 

Chloe. Ray, I have a secret to tell you. (On sofa at r.) 

Doctor. A secret? (Back of sofa) 

Chloe. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want a big 
wedding at all- 

Doctor. But you've always said 

Chloe. I know. But I've changed my mind. I don't want 
a dozen maids and ushers and white chiffon and flowers. All 
I want is you. We'll simply get the license, run over to the 
preacher's, get married and be off on our honeymoon, without 
any fuss or feathers at all. 

Doctor. Darling! (On sofa) 

Chloe. At last I know why I love you. Not only because 
you are you 

Doctor. No? For what other reason? 

Chloe. I have a confession to make. You know I wouldn't 
have consented to have the wedding — at least, not so soon — if 
you hadn't been such a brilliant doctor, with all those patients. 
Your success has dazzled me. 

Doctor (gasps)- All what patients? 

Chloe (wags finger at him). Now don't be modest. I know 
all about your wonderful success. Just think, you've only been 
a doctor for six months and already you have the largest practice 
in the whole town. 

Doctor (aghast). I havef /have? 

Chloe (joyojisly). I am ambitious. I've always been ambi- 
tious. I want to be known as the wife of the wonderful Doctor 
Bancroft. You don't blame me for that little touch of pride, 
do you, dear? 

Doctor (swallows hard). Do you mean that if I didn't have 
this wonderful practice you speak about that you wouldn't have 
consented to marry me? 

Chloe. Well, not so soon. As it is, we can be married at 
once. Otherwise, we would have to wait a year or maybe two 
or three. 

Doctor. Oh, I see. And who told you all about this wonderful 
practice of mine- 

Chloe. Your aunt Eudora and uncle Andy, when they came 



Bride ivd Groom. 25 

over home last month. Everybody is talking about it. And I 
think you are a wonder. 

Doctor. Then let's get married right away. To-night. 

Chloe. Oh, Ray, that's entirely too sudden. But I'm afraid 
I'm keeping you from your work. I am so anxious to see you 
at work. Where are all your patients? 

Doctor. Yes, where are they? I wonder. 

Chloe. I thought your reception-room would be full of 
people waiting for a touch of your magic hand to make them 
well again. 

Doctor. Well, it is generally, but I had the servants turn 
them all out, as I was expecting you. 

Chloe. I am keeping you from your work. Maybe now, at 
this moment, you could be saving the lives of hundreds. Don't 
let me interfere. I am going home soon but before I go I 
want to see you at your wonderful work. (Rises) Oh, I'm 
awfully proud of you, Ray. I never thought you would win 
success in so short a time. 

ENTER D. R. Andy and Aunt Eudora. 

Andy. Can we come in? 

Chloe. Certainly. I'm afraid I've been keeping Raymond 
from his work. That's entirely too selfish. Tell them to 
come in. 

Aunt E. Tell who to come in? 

Chloe. All his patients. I want to see the wonderful cures 
he is performing. You said his office was always full of 
patients. 

Aunt E. It is. Andy, go out and tell the patients to come in. 

Andy. Tell 'em to come in? 

Chloe. I'll be as quiet as a mouse. Come, Miss Eudora, we'll 
sit on the porch and count his patients, (l.) 

Aunt E. Go on. I'll be there in a minute. 

Chloe. This is the proudest moment of my life. [EXIT d. l. 

Doctor. Now what am I gc'ng to do? 

Aunt E. Andy Dusenberry, go out and hire everybody you 
meet to come in and be treated. 

Andy. Hire them? 

Aunt E. Yes, hire them. Get everybody in town. (Goes l.) 
Get him enough patients to start an asylum. [EXIT D. L. 

Andy. What does she mean? 

Doctor. It's a good idea. Go out and get me some patients. 



26 Bride and Groom. 

Andy. But — — 

Doctor. Never mind the buts. Hurry up. My whole future 
depends on it (Slaps hat on Andy's head and pushes him off 
R.) Maggie! 

ENTER D. L. Maggie. 

Doctor. Get me my white coat. Then get on your bonnet and 
shawl and come in the front door to be treated. You've got to 
be a patient. 

Maggie. Be what, sir ? 

Doctor (grasps her arm). No time for argument. Come 
on. (Hurries her out d. l.) (EXIT D. L. 

Sad-Eyed Wallace, an old tramp, appears at window. 

Wallace (looking around). Don't seem to be anybody here. 
This is an opportunity I can't afford to miss. (Climbs in 
windozv) They evidently wasn't expecting me. (Takes several 
small articles and puts them in his pockets) Well, this is better 
than Joplin. I wonder where they keep the silver. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Eudora. 

Aunt E. Here's one of them now. Just sit down over there, 
sir. The doctor is engaged for the present. Mr. Dusenberry 
sent you, didn't he? 

Wallace. Oh, yes, mum. Mr. Gooseberry sent me. 

Aunt E. He told you what to do, didn't he? It's perfectly 
simple. 

Wallace. I know what to do all right. (Comes toward her) 

Aunt E. Keep away. I wouldn't have you touch me for a 
dollar. 

Wallace. I was only going to touch you for a nickel. 

Aunt E. You might pass as a patient, but I doubt it. You're 
so dirty. 

Wallace. Yes'm, I'm dirty. But according to the Scripture 
man is made of dust And I guess mine is working out. 

Aunt E. (goes to cupboard R.). The doctor has a pair of 
crutches here. (Takes them) Here they are. Now use them. 
The doctor is going to cure you. You never walked a step in 
your life. 

Wallace (taps his forehead). Poor old lady! Nobody 
home, nobody home I 



Bride and Groom. 27 

Aunt E. Let me see if you can walk with the crutches. 

Wallace. How much'll you give me? 

Aunt E. If you play your part well, I'll give you a dollar. 

Wallace (hobbles around). How's that? 

Aunt E. Perfect. Now take your seat in the line. 

Wallace (sits l.). Yes, mum. Don't forgit the dollar. 

ENTER D. R. Andy, followed by Emmaline and three or four 
supers (one a lady) made up as invalids. 

Andy. Now all take seats. You know what you have to do. 

Aunt E. There's been a perfect stream of people at the front 
door trying to see the doctor. 

Andy. What does Chloe say? 

Aunt E. She's wonderfully impressed. She thinks Ray is 
the most marvelous man on earth. 

ENTER D. R. Henn. 

Henn. Say, they sent me over here to watch the neighbor- 
hood. I'm looking for a bad man from Joplin. (Wallace turns 
up his coat collar). Who's that? (Points to Wallace) 

Aunt E. That's a poor charity patient Doctor Bancroft is 
treating him. 

Henn. Are you sure he ain't the man I'm looking for? Did 
you walk all the way from Joplin yesterday? 

Aunt E. Walk? The poor man has never walked a step 
in his life. He's an incurable cripple. That is, he was until 
Doctor Bancroft took the case. 

Andy. Say, officer, do you want to make five dollars? 

Henn. Does a duck swim? Ask me. Ask me. 

Andy. All you have to do is take a seat and let the doctor 
treat you. 

Henn. Let him treat me? I'll let anybody treat me. I ain't 
particular. 

Andy. And you'll get five dollars. 

ENTER D. R. Jerry and Maggie, disguised as invalids' 

Aunt E. Sit down. The doctor will be here presently. (They 
sit) 

ENTER D. L. Doctor and Chloe. 

Chloe. Oh, Raymond, just see all these people waiting for 
you. 



28 Bride and Groom. 

Doctor- Pooh, pooh ! Why, this isn't anything like the usual 
number. 

Chloe. You are the most wonderful man in the world. 

Doctor. Now, my good people, you must excuse me for about 
ten minutes. I have to take my fiancee over to the train. 

Jerry. But, doctor, I nade attintion right away. 

Others. And so do we. 

Wallace. And I can't walk a step. You've got to help me. 

Doctor. I'll be back presently. Just wait a few moments. 

Chloe. There isn't any need of your coming at all, Ray. You'd 
better stay here. Uncle Andy can take me over to the station. 

Doctor. What ! And we're to be married next week ! And 
on your first visit, too. Nonsense. Come along. 

Aunt E. (kisses her). Good-bye, dearie. The next time you 
come, you'll come for good. 

Chloe. Good-bye. I've had a perfectly wonderful visit. Oh, 
I'm so glad I came down to-day. Good-bye, Uncle Andy. 

Andy. Bye, bye ! Now, you've seen what a wonderful man 
you're going to marry. Good-bye. 

Doctor. We'll have to hurry. 

[EXIT D. R. with Chloe, who leaves her parasol. 

Andy (very excited). It was a success, a grand success, a 
howling success. He's won her. They're going to be married. 
Hurray ! (Jumps up and throws hat in air) 

Emma. Hurray! (Swings her sunbonnet) 

Aunt E. I'm just as excited! I could dance for joy. 

Andy. So could I- Swing your partners. (Swings her 
' 'nd) 

'A. Let me dance too. (Grabs Wallace and swings him) 

' t y. Begorry, horoo ! (Szvings Maggie, all swinging, 
^e '.ing, dancing, etc-) 

ENTER D. R. Doctor and Chloe, they stand amazed- Others 
hold tableau. 

Chloe (taking her parasol). My parasol — I forgot it. 

Doctor. Yes, we forgot our parasol. 

Chloe. Doctor Bancroft, will you be good enough to explain 
the meaning of this most peculiar scene? (r.) 

Andy (standing r. c. between Doctor and Aunt Eudora). 
Leave it to me. We're having a celebration. The doctor per- 
formed a wonderful operation just a few moments ago. 



Bride and Groom. 29 

Doctor {to Chloe). Yes, that's it. I just performed a 
wonderful operation. 

Aunt E. And it was a miracle. We were dancing for joy. 

Andy (pulls Wallace forward). This poor man hadn't 
walked a step for thirty-nine years. The doctor has just replaced 
his medulla oblongata and now he can hop as lively as a Chlll^* 
man, can't you ? 

Wallace (hops). Sure, I kin. I never could walk. But 'doc. 
replaced my what-do-you-call-it, and now look at me ! 

Chloe. Marvelous ! Raymond, you are simply wonderful. 
Your name will be in all the papers. You'll be the most noted 
doctor in Missouri. Oh, I'm awfully proud of you ! I'll 
reconsider what I told you. You may go back to Joplin with me. 
We'll be married to-night! 

Doctor. To-night? 

Chloe. To-night. We'll get there in time to get the license, 
and old Doctor Diller will perform the ceremony at once. I've 
made up my mind at last. 

Doctor (tries to take her in his arms). Darling! 

Andy (looking at watch). You've got just seven minutes to 
catch the train. Hurry up. 

Doctor. Jerry, pack my grip. Hurry! (Lively music) 

Jerry. Yes, sor. [EXIT d. l. running. 

Aunt E. You go and help him, Maggie. 

Maggie. Yes, mum. [EXIT d. l. running. 

Andy. I hear the whistle of the train. Hurry, hurry! 

Doctor (yells). Never mind the grip, Jerry! 

ENTER D. L. Jerry with grip full of shirts, socks, etc. 

Jerry. Here it is, sor. Good luck to you. 

Doctor (grabs grip). Give me my hat. 

Andy (slaps hat on his head). There you are. Hurry! 

Doctor (grabs Chloe). Come on, darling; we're going to be 
married. (The grip opens, shirts, etc-, fall on stage. Doctor and 
Chloe rush out r. Others all go to zvindow) 

All. See 'em run. Hurry, hurry! (Train whistle heard) 

Andy (quickly). They're going to make it; they're going to 
make it. (Wallace is busy stealing shirts, etc.) 

All (ivaving from window). Hurray, hurray, hurray! 

[EXIT Wallace d. l. 

CURTAIN. 



30 Bride and Groom. 



ACT II. 

SCENE as ACT I : — Time, ten o'clock the next morning. Lights 
on full throughout the act. Music to take up the curtain, 
some familiar wedding march. DISCOVERED Maggie 
seated c-, sewing on towel and singing the wedding march. 

Aunt E. (oif stage R-)- Maggie, where are you? Maggie! 
Maggie (yells)- Yes'm, here I am, Miss Dodge. 

ENTER D. R. Aunt Eudora, carrying a half-finished sock and 
knitting needles. 

Aunt E. Well, is everything in readiness for the bridal pair? 

Maggie (sewing). Yes'm, as fur as I knows of. The house 
is clean from top to toe, and there's coal in the box, ice in the 
'frigerator, and vittels in the pantry. So, hail to the bride, 
as the sayin' is- 

Aunt E. They'll be in on the lo : 30 train. (Looks at watch) 
It's after ten now. (Sits) 

Maggie. I'm trying to get this towel stitched for a wedding 
present, but when folks get married on the spur of the minute, 
they got to take what they can get. 

Aunt E. It's real pretty, Maggie. And I know they'll 
appreciate it. 

Maggie. Are you making some socks for him? 

Aunt E. Yes, for his birthday next month. I gave them this 
house for their wedding present. 

Maggie. My, that certainly is some grand present, as the 
saying is. I'm going to invite you to my wedding, jest as soon 
as the critter proposes. 

Aunt E. I told Jerry to bring over some plants to liven up 
the house a little. It seems very strange they didn't go on a 
honeymoon. 

Maggie. Yes'm, I thinks so myself. There's two things I'm 
going to insist on for me, a white sating dress and a honeymoon. 
I've made up my mind on them. 

Aunt E. Chloe insisted on a quick, quiet wedding. And 



Bride and Groom. 31 

when Chloe makes up her mind, there's nothing on earth can 
budge her. 

Maggie, I wonder what she'll say when she learns that doc. 
ani't got no patients, and them folks yesterday was all hired 
for the occasion. 

Aunt E. She must never find it out. (Rises') I wonder what 
can be keeping Jerry. (Looks out of zvindow) 

Maggie (following her). Say, Miss Dodge! 

Aunt E. What is it, Maggie? 

Maggie. It's about that man, that Jerry. I'm kinder nervous 
about him. He don't look right to me. I think he's a crook in 
disguise, or a burglar, or something awful. He acts so 
mysterious. 

Aunt E. Nonsense, you've been going to the moving picture 
shows too much, Maggie. Jerry is as honest as the days are 
long. 

Maggie, Well, he makes me nervous anyhow. What with 
skellingtons hanging in the cupboard, and people's inward parts 
in all our pickle jars, I ain't hardly got a nerve left in my body, 
as the sayin' is. 

Aunt E. (at zvindow). There's Jerry now. Bring them in, 
Jerry. 

ENTER D. R. Jerry, carrying several pots of gay flowers. 

Jerry. Yis, mum. 

Aunt E. (giving directions, Jerry obeying). Here, put that 
red one here- That's nice- Now carry those over there. Doesn't 
that make the room look more cheerful ? 

Maggie. Yes'm. I'm going to get a purple ribbon bow and 
tie it around the skellington's neck. 

Aunt E. (to Jerry). Did you bring any more? 

Jerry. I did, mum. I got a wheelbarrow full outside. 

Aunt E. Take them around to the other entrance, and put 
them in the house. You go with him, Maggie, and show him 
how to arrange them. 

Maggie (trembling). Me go? Oh, please, Miss Dodge — - 

Aunt E. Nonsense, don't be such a goose. You're not going 
to eat her, are you Jerry? 

Jerry. Ate her, is it? I will not. Sure I think the girl's a 
little bit (Taps forehead), mice in the attic, you know. 

[EXIT D. R. 

Maggie (leaves towel and work basket in chair c). Miss 



38 Bride and Groom. 

Dodge, I dci i like that man. Irish gentlemen never did appeal 
to me nohr vj, no time. [EXIT d. r. tossing head. 

Aunt E. (at table, arranging flowers). I hope she will like 
them. Ray is such a dear boy, and his bride must be a very, 
very happy girl. (Sits l.) His bride! They seem like a couple 
of cliildren. (Gives a long sigh, and then resumes knitting) 

ENTER D. R. Andy. 

Andy (d. r.). Eudora, I want you to see my wedding present. 
(She rises) There, what do you think of that? (Shows neck- 
lace in leather case) 

Aunt E. (meeting him c-, examining necklace). I think it is 
beautiful, Andy. There's not another man in town has the 
taste you have. 

Andy (puts it in pocket). Pretty good for an old bach, ain't 
it? (Looks around) Well, you have got things fixed cosy. 
I knew you could do it. It takes a woman to put the finishing 
touches on a house. Without a woman's hand a house is only a 
house, but with the touch of her hand it becomes a home. 

Aunt E. (sitting l.). Why, Andy, how lovely. You ought 
to write that in a book. Won't you sit down ? 

Andy (sits R-). Don't care if I do. Do you know, Eudora, 
this wedding makes me feel like a regular old back number. To 
think of that boy getting ahead of me. Why, he's only 
a little past twenty, and a married man already, and just look 
at me! 

Aunt E. Well, there isn't anything to prevent your getting 
married, if you want to. 

Andy (sighs). Yes, but it takes two to make a bargain. 

Aunt E. (knitting). Let me see ; I can pick you out a real 
nice wife. There's Selina Brady. 

Andy. Can't stand Selina ; she's been trying to get married 
for twenty years. 

Aunt E. How about Martha Mendill ? She's awfully nice- 

Andy. Why, she ain't thirty yet. If I want a daughter, I'll 
adopt one; I'm not marrying into the kindergarden. 

Aunt E. I know. The Widow Pennypacker ! 

Andy. No widows for mine. I draw the line at the whole 
tribe of 'em, both the grass and the sod. 

Aunt E. You're awfully hard to please. 

Andy. That's the truth. There's only one woman on earth 



Bride and Groom. 33 

that I would permit to call herself Mrs. Andy Dusenberry, Esq. 
(Rises and comes c) 

Aunt E. Oh, Andy, I'm so nervous. What's her name? 

Andy. I've been an old bachelor for a good many years 
(Rattled) in fact ever since I was born, and I'm going to come 
to the point at once. (Sits c on Maggie's sewing basket) Ouch ! 
(Jumps up with a loud yell) 

Aunt E. Why, Andy, what's the matter? (Rises) 

Andy (rubs hip). I dunno. Got a sudden pain in my head. 
(Goes R.) 

Aunt E. In your head? 

Andy. Yes, I guess it's earache. 

Aunt E. Let me get you some peppermint or something. 

Andy. No, thank you. Say, Eudora, I'm in earnest about 
this thing. 

Aunt E. Andy Dusenberry, I believe you're in love? (Re- 
sumes seat L.) 

Andy. Maybe I am. Anyhow I feel just like I'd been kicked 
by a mule. 

Aunt E. I certainly am surprised. I never dreamed of such 
a thing. 

Andy (coming c.). I've made up my mind at last. Eudora, 
I wanted to ask you 

Aunt E. (softly). What is it, Andy? 

Andy (plays ivith chair c-, very nervously). I think — that is 
i — I was about to say — say, what were we talking about anyway ? 

Aunt E. You said you were about to come to the point. 

Andy. That's it. And now, to come to the point. (Sits on 
basket again) Ow ! (Yells and jumps up) 

Aunt E. Why, Andy, you were sitting on Maggie's sewing 
basket. 

Andy. I thought I was stung by a hornet ((Rubs hip) 

Aunt E. Oh, I'm so sorry. 

Andy. iNever mind. Let's see, how far had I got? I'm a 
lonely, old bachelor, Eudora 

Aunt E. Yes, I know that, Andy. (Sits on sofa R. and knits) 

Andy (comes to her). May I sit here? 

Aunt E. (making room for him). Why, certainly. 

Andy (sits, looks at her, gives a long sigh). Ah! 

Aunt E. (looks at him, gives long sigh). Ah! (Resumes 
knitting furiously) 

Andy. We were talking about getting married, 

Aunt E. Yes, so we were. 



34 Bride and Groom. 

Andy. And I've decided to ask you — (Pause) — to ask you 
(She looks at him) To ask you if hot whiskey and bay-rum is 
good for a sore throat- 

Aunt E. (jumps up)- Hot whiskey and bay-rum? Andy 
Dusenberry, what ails you? If I didn't know you were on the 
vestry in the church, I'd think you'd had a drop too much. Bay- 
rum! Oh! (Crosses L., sits) 

Andy. Now, Eudora 

Aunt E. Don't Eudora me ! I haven't any patience with you. 
Hot whiskey and bay-rum! (Knits rapidly- He rises with 
deliberation, crosses C-, throws Maggie's basket on floor, takes 
chair and crosses and sits close beside Aunt Eudora l.) 

Andy. That isn't what I wanted to ask you at all. 

Aunt E. (sighs, then — ). What is it, Andy? 

Andy. You've known me for a long time, Eudora, a real 
long time. (Tries to take her hand, but does not look what 
he is doing) 

Aunt E. Yes, Andy ? 

Andy (fumbles around and takes the stocking she was 
knitting). And so I want to ask your advice. That's it, I want 
your advice. (Gets the red stocking on his hand) I'm kind 
of excited to-day, but I'm not going to put it oflf any longer. 
(Takes her hand) Now, Eudora 

ENTER D. R. Emmaline, dancing in. 

Emma, (down r-)* Oh, I saw you; I saw you. You were 
holding her hand. 

Andy. What! (Rises and goes up c-, in confusion, the 
Stocking still on his hand) 

Emma. You can't bluff me, I saw you. 

Aunt E. (down l-, nervously tapping foot). Well, don't 
your father ever hold your mother's hand? 

Emma. Yes he does, once in a while — when he's afraid she's 
going to hit him. 

Andy. Well, Mary, what do you want? (Comes down 
to her) 

Emma. How did you know my name was Mary? 

Andy. I guessed it 

Emma. Then go on and guess what I want. (Pause) Oh, 
look at your hand. You got a stocking on it. That's a funny 
place to wear a stocking. 

Andy (goes to Aunt Eudora). Here's your work, Miss 
Eudora. I was holding it for you. 



Bride and Groom. 35 

Aunt E. (comes c; Andy l.; Emmaline r.) Little girls' 
shouldn't be rude. Come now, do you want to see the doctor? 

Emma. Yes, I was here yesterday to buy some quinine, and 
he didn't have none. Then that man gave me a dollar to pretend 
I was sick, and have the doctor treat me. I've come back for 
more treatment and another dollar. 

Andy. Nothing doing. We don't need to hire any more 
patients. 

Emma. Well, then I want a nickel's worth of sneeze powder. 

Aunt E. Sneeze powder? What on earth is that? 

Emma. Oh, you just scatter it around like that (Gesture) 
and everybody starts to choo ! {Sneezes) like that. 

Aunt E. You must mean snuff. 

Emma. A kid in our school gave me some last month when 
my grandpa came to visit us- (Giggles) I scattered it in front 
of his place at the table. You oughta seen the fun. He sneezed 
so hard, he sneezed all his soup in ma's lap. 

Andy (laughs). He did, did he? 

Emma. Then he stopped a while, but he started again and 
sneezed his set of false teeth clear across the table and into 
pa's face. Pa's nose began to bleed. I'll bet those teeth bit him. 
(Giggles) Wasn't that funny ? 

Aunt E. You'd better run along home now. We haven't any 
sneeze powder here. 

Emma. If you did have, I'd scatter some of it right here, and 
watch the two of you sneeze. I'll bet he could sneeze better 
than my grandpa. Say, is he your beau? 

Aunt E. (confused). Why, how you talk. Of course not. 

Emma, (to Andy). Ain't you? 

Andy. No, I guess not. 

Emma. Well, if you hain't, why hain't you? 

Andy. That's just what I'd like to know myself. Here's a 
quarter for you. Now run along and let your grandpa sneeze 
himself sick. 

Emma. Oh, much obliged. (At d. r.) Say, if you two ever 
get married, I'll send you some sneeze powder for a wedding 
present. [EXIT d. r. 

Aunt E. I declare that's the worst child I ever saw. Oh, 
Andy, I've got to go and look over the house to see if it's all 
ready for the bride and groom ; I wish you'd go over to my 
house and bring over little Septimus- I'm going to give him to 
Chloe for a pet. 

Andy. Where is little Septimus? 



36 Bride and Groom. 

Aunt E. In my front hall, all ready in his little basket. 
Hurry, Andy. I declare I forgot all about the little dear. 

Andy. I'll get him for you. And when I return I have some- 
thing very important to say to you, dear Eudora. (Tunis at R., 
waves hand and kicks foot, then struts out r.) 

Aunt E. Well, I hope he'll be able to get it out sometime. 
But I must see to the house. [Crosses and EXIT d. l. 

ENTER D. R. Officer Henn, followed by Kathleen Cronin, 
carrying doll dressed as baby in long clothes. 

Henn. Come in, ma'am. The doctor here is a friend of 
mine, and he's a good Irishman. He'll find your husband for you. 

Kathleen. Thank you, sor. I'm afraid it's troublin' you I am. 

Henn (c-). Not a bit, not a bit. (Raps with club) Hello, is 
anybody home ? 

Kath. (seated r.). Oh, sure, I'm that tired I could drop. 

ENTER D. L. Jerry. 

Jerry. What's wanted? (Sees Kathleen) Kathleen! 

Kath. Jerry ! 

Henn. I see you know the doctor, mum. Well, he'll help 
you, I'm sure. Good day to you. [EXIT d. r. 

Jerry. And what are you doing here ? 

Kath. Sure, that's a fine greeting to give your wife and 
baby. I followed you all the way from Joplin, so I did. 

Jerry. But you mustn't stay here. 

Kath. (coming to him). I mustn't. I don't believe you love 
me any more at all, at all. And we married going on three 
years. 

Jerry. Of course I love you, and I'm glad you're here in town. 
But darlin', I've got a good job here and in order to kape it, 
I've got to pretend I'm a single man. 

Kath. Sure, I don't believe it a respectable job, then, Jerry 
Cronin. 

Jerry. Indade and it is. I'm larnin' to be a doctor. Didn't 
you hear the cop call me the doctor. 

Kath. But I don't understand at all, at all- 

Jerry. All you have to do is to keep shady. I'll find you a 
nice little room, and no one will ever be any the wiser. 

Aunt E. (off stage l.). Jerry, Jerry, where are you? 



Bride and Groom. 37 

Jerry. I'm comin', mum. Now for the love of Mike get away 
and take the little darlin' wid you. 

Kath. That was a woman's voice? Jerry Cronin, who is 
that woman? 

Jerry. Oh, sure that's me master's wife. Now, run along 
and be quick wid ye. 

Aunt E. (outside, speaks impatiently) . Jerry! 

Jerry. Yis, mum. Farewell, me darlin'. [EXIT d. l. 

Kath. {speaks to baby). Darlin', your papa doesn't want 
us any longer, it's trying to get rid of us he is. Oh, I dunno 
what to do at all. Hush, baby, hush ! 

ENTER D. R. Andy, with dog in basket. 

Andy. Hello, are you looking for the doctor? 

Kath. I've just seen him, sor. And he'll have nothing to do 
with me. He don't love me any longer, nor the baby either. 
And me his lawful wife going on three years, sor. 

Andy. You married to the doctor? 

Kath. Yis, sor. See, the little darlin', sor. He's the very 
image of his papa. 

Andy (looks at baby). Indeed I do see a striking resemblance. 
Oh, the young villain. Wait till I lay hands on him. 

Kath. Oh, you won't injure him, sor? I've said too much. 
He told me not to say a word, and now I've got him in trouble, 
so I have. (JVeeps) 

Andy. Now, my good woman, you'd best go over to the hotel. 
Wait there for me. 

Kath. (handing him the baby). I've got the baby buggy in 
the yard. Will you carry him out for me? [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Eudora. 

'Aunt E. Well, did you bring over little Septimus? 

Andy (hiding baby behind him). Oh, yes. Little Septimus 
is there on the table. 

Aunt E. (goes to dog). Oh, pretty little Septimus. I've got 
to give you away, and then there'll be only thirty-six left. (Baby 
cries) 

Andy (starts to sing and dance). La, la, la! (Baby cries 
louder) 

Aunt E. Why, what's that? Andy Dusenberry, what is that? 
{Tableau, she extending finger at him; he cavorting) 



38 Bride and Oroom. 

Andy, rm just taking my morning's exercise, that's all, 
Eudora. 

Aunt E. (comes to him). Why, it's a baby. (Takes him) 

Andy. Why, so it is. I wonder where that came from. Isn't 
he a beauty. 

Aunt E. (cuddling baby). Whose baby is It? 

ENTER D. R. Kathleen. 

Kath. Where is me child? (Takes him) Thanks be to the 
saints, he's all right. (Fondles him) 

Aunt E. (l-). Your child? What are you doing with it 
here? 

Kath. I brung him to see his father. 

AuntE. (ag/ia^O- His father? Here? [EXIT Andy d. r. 

Kath. Yes'm, he lives here. Oh, I've said too much. I 
didn't mane to tell. Please, mum, I didn't mane to tell. 

Aunt E. (ominously) . What is his father's name? 

Kath. (nervously)- Oh, sure, mum, I can't tell you that. 

Aunt E. Can't tell me? 

Kath. No, mum ; he's forbidden me to spake, so he has. 

Aunt E. So, he forbade you to disclose his identity, did he? 

Kath. They'd niver forgive him for havin' the baby brought 
to this house. (Andy sticks his head in R-) Oh, sor, I'd like to 
have a word with you, if you plaze. 

Andy (running across stage). Haven't got time; haven't got 
time. [EXIT d. l. 

Kath. But, it's important, sor. It's very important. (Runs 
out D. L.) 

Aunt E. I see it all, I see it all! Thank heavens, I have 
learned the truth in time. Oh, the deceiver, the deep, dense, 
double-dyed deceiver. I'll tell my nephew, I'll tell the police, 
I'll have him arrested and sent to the penitentiary. Andy Dusen- 
berry, you learn what it means to trifle with the feelings of an 
outraged woman. [EXIT o. l. 

ENTER D. R. Doctor and Chloe. 

Doctor. At last we are home. Welcome home, Chloe, wel- 
come home. 

Chloe. Oh, Ray, I'm too happy for words. To think this 
great big house is mine! 

Doctor. And this great big doctor is yours, too. 



Bride and Groom. B9 

Chloe. Oh, come. I want to take off my things. I want to 
explore every inch of my future home. [EXIT D. L. 

Doctor. I'll join you in a moment. 

ENTER D. R. Wallace. 

Wallace. Hello, doctor. I'm here again for some more 
treatment. I can walk a little better to-day. 

Doctor. Oh, I see ; you're that man who helped us out yester- 
day- But I guess you don't need any more treatment. 

Wallace. No, sir, I don't; but I do need another five dollars. 

Doctor. Sorry I can't oblige you. I'm not a professional 
charity bureau. 

Wallace. Then suppose I goes to the young lady and tells her 
all about what happened yesterday. 

Doctor. Say, do you want me to kick you out. See here, my 
man, I won't be blackmailed. I'll just telephone for the police. 

Wallace. Oh, don't do that, boss. I was only fooling. I 
thought maybe you wanted me to act like a cripple again. 

Doctor. No, it isn't necessary; I'm married now. 

Wallace. I'm out of a job, boss, and I need money. Could 
you help a poor worthy man, sir? 

Doctor. You got five dollars yesterday, didn't you? Well, 
that's enough. Get out. 

Wallace. Yes, I'm going. You dunno where I could get a 
job, do you? A kind of an easy job. I ain't used to real hard 
■work. 

Doctor. You'll get a job in the city lock-up if you don't clear 
out of here. 

Wallace. Yes, sir. Good day, sir. [EXIT d. r. 

Doctor. The nerve of the man. A professional tramp and 
moocher, I suppose. 

ENTER D. L. Andy. 

Andy. Boy, I'm glad to see you. I've just been cross-ques- 
tioning the little Irish girl, and I find she's Jerry's wife. 

Doctor. I don't know what you are talking about. 

Andy. Well, Jerry's wife and baby turned up about an hour 
ago, and she told me she was married to you. 

Doctor. To me ? What did she mean ? 

Andy. She thinks Jerry is a doctor, and she said she was 
married to the doctor. 



4& Bride and (Jroom. 

Doctor. I hope she don't tell Chloe that. Chloe might not 
understand, and then where would I be standing? 

Andy. You wouldn't be standing at all, you'd be running. 
I know Chloe. 

Doctor (sees pug on table). What's this? 

Andy. That's little Septimus. I'm not sure but I think he is 
number twenty-four. 

Doctor. What is he doing here? 

Andy. Miss Eudora's wedding present. 

Doctor. From my aunt? Why, she gave us this house for a 
wedding present. 

Andy. And she threw in little Septimus for good measure. 

Doctor. But Chloe doesn't like pugs. She's afraid of them. 

Andy. But Eudora will be real hurt if you don't accept it. 
She thinks each one of them is worth its weight in gold. 

Doctor. I know it. I can't afford to offend Auntie, but 
Chloe 

Andy. Say, you're not afraid of your wife, are you? 

Doctor. Afraid of her? Of course not, a man is never afraid 
of his wife — that is, not exactly. But I know Chloe won't stand 
for a pug. 

Andy (picks pug up). It's a pretty little fellow- He's not 
as ugly as most of them are. I have it ! 

Doctor. Well, you can keep it. It'll make you a nice pet. 

Andy (puts pug in basket). I mean, I have an idea. Just put 
the little fellow in the cupboard and write Chloe a letter. Jell 
her you have a surprise for her in the cupboard. Leave the 
letter on the table, she'll get it, and then if there is an explosion, 
you won't be around when it happens. 

Doctor. That's a good idea. I'll do it. (Sits at table and 
writes) 

Andy. I don't know what's come over your aunt, half an 
hour ago she was as sweet as sugar, but I just passed her on 
the porch and she wouldn't look at me. I don't know what I've 
done to offend her. And I thought we were getting on so well 
together. 

Doctor (finishing letter). There, I guess that will answer. 
(Leaves it on table) Now, I'll just take Mr. Pug and put him in 
here. (Places hint in cupboard c) 

Andy. Now come on over to the house and look at your 
wedding presents. Chloe is tickled to death. 

[EXIT D. R. with Doctor. 



Bride and Groom. ill 

ENTER D. L. Jerry, followed by Katlhleen zvith baby. 

Jerry. Now, Kathleen, be sensible. I'm working for the old 
lady, and I'd lose me job if she finds out I'm a married man. 

Kath. Then lose your job. I don't care. 

Jerry. After all me trouble in gettin' it Sure you know 
what a hard time we had in Joplin, and work is scarce, so it is. 

Kath. I know what ye want to do. Ye want to run off and 
lave me again. 

Jerry. I do not- I'll never lave you. Maybe you can be 
gettin' a job down the strate in the laundry, and I'll rint a room 
for you, as we'll all be as happy as old Biddy Maloney's pigs. 

Kath. And do ye still love me, Jerry? 

Jerry. Av coorse, I do. Ain't ye me own little wife? 

Chloe (outside). Jerry, Jerry ! 

Jerry. Great Hivins, here conies the young lady. The bride. 
Run, run, hide the baby. I can tell her you're me swateheart, 
but how can I explain th^ baby? 

Kath. Where'll I be hiding him ? I dunno. 

Jerry. Put him in the closet a minute. Just a second, then 
I'll come back and take him out. 

Chloe (outside l.). Jerry! Wl«fcte are you? 

Jerry. Be quick. (Kathleen puts baby in cupboard R.) 
Now, run. 

Kath. Sure, he's liable to smother in there. 

Jerry. Niver a bit. Hurry. (Runs her out d. r.) 

ENTER D. L. Chloe. 

Chloe. Jerry, I want you to help Maggie unpack my trunk. 
She can't get it open. 

Jerry (r.). Yis, mum. (Does not move) 

Chloe. She's over at the house. 

Jerry (standing in front of cupboard at R.). Yis, mum. I'm 
going, mum. 

Chloe. Then you'd better go at once. All my clothes are in 
that trunk. (Baby cries) Why, what's that? 

Jerry (nervously). Maybe it was the cat, mum, or the wind. 
There's a storm coming up. 

Chloe (r. c-)- Very well. You may go. 

Jerry (hesitates). Excuse me, mum. But, mum — (Kathleen 
looks in) The wind is blowing the door, mum. (Pushes her 
out, shuts door) 



42 Bride and Groom. 

Chloe. What is it, Jerry? 

Jerry. Only the wind, mum. (Sees letter on table) I say, 
mum, here's a letter, mum. 

Chloe (takes letter). For me? 

Jerry. I think it is. , 

Chloe. Thank you. Now hurry and unlock the trunk for 
Maggie. 

Jerry. But 

Chloe (impatiently). I said hurry. I can't wait all day. 

Jerry. No, mum. Yes, mum. [EXIT d. r. 

Chloe (looks at letter). It's Ray's writing. I wonder what 
he wants. (Opens it) "My darling wife: I have a surprise 
for you. A wedding present that you never suspected. Maybe 
you won't like it at first, but later on I'm sure you'll take the 
little stranger to your heart. Look in the cupboard. With love, 
Raymond." (Jerry appears r.) The little stranger? I wonder 
what he means? ( Looks at letter again) "Look in the cup- 
board." (Crosses to cupboard r. Baby cries) Oh, I'm afraid, 
I'm afraid. (Opens cupboard, sees baby). Ahh! (Loud 
piercing scream. Jerry comes to her. She totters to c and 
sinks in chair) Oh, am I awake, or is it some horrible night- 
mare? Jerry! 

Jerry. Yis, mum. Here I am, mum. 

Chloe (tragically points to cupboard)- Look at that! 

Jerry. I see it, mum. It's a baby. 

Chloe. Who put it in there? 

Jerry. Not me, mum. It was her. It's mother, mum. Don't 
blame me, mum, it ain't my fault. 

Chloe. When did it come? 

Jerry. He's about six months old, mum. 

Chloe. I mean how long has it been in this house? 

Jerry. Just this mornin', mum. It's mother brought it this 
morning. 

Chloe (puts hands over face and moans). Oh! It's mother I 

Jerry. Sure, I'm awfully sorry, mum. 

Chloe. That will do, Jerry. You may go. 

Jerry. Yis, mum. I'm gone. [EXIT D. R. 

Chloe. Maggie, Maggie ! 

ENTER D. L. Maggie. 

Maggie. Yes, ma'am; I'm here, ma'am. 

Chloe. Do you know anything about the baby 2 



Bride and Groom. 43 

Maggie. What baby, ma'am? 

Chloe. That baby there in the cupboard. 

Maggie (takes baby frotn cupboard). It's alive! {Cuddles it) 

Chloe. Of course it's alive. 

Maggie. I thought maybe it vi^as the skelHngton's baby, ma'am. 

Chloe. Take it away. Take it out of my sight- 

Maggie. Where'll I take it? 

Chloe. Take it to the kitchen, and keep it there. 

Maggie. Things is goin' from bad to worse, I wouldn't be at 
all surprised to open one of them cupboards and find a hippo- 
potamus. All this is makin' me so nervous. 

[EXIT D. L. with baby- 

Chloe (rises). Oh, what shall I do? What shall I do? I'll 
leave him, I'll leave this place forever. And he said I'd take the 
little stranger to my heart. Oh, the brute ! Wait till I see him, 
that's all. 

Doctor (outside R.). Hello, Chloe, where are you? 

Chloe (dramatically). His voice! 

ENTER D. R. Doctor. 

Doctor (r. c.). Oh, here you are. 

Chloe (with subdued passion). Yes, here I am. 

Doctor (gaily). Well, did you get my little note? 

Chloe. Oh, yes ; I got your little note. 

Doctor. And you looked in the cupboard? 

Chloe. Yes, I looked in the cupboard. 

Doctor. Surprised, weren't you? 

Chloe (hands clenched, breast heaving). You dare? 

Doctor (approaches her). Now, Chloe, don't get excited. A 
little thing like that's not worth getting excited over. 

Chloe. A little thing? A little thing ! 

Doctor. Well, if you don't want him, I'll give him back to 
her, and that will be an end of it. 

Chloe. Don't speak to me ; don't look at me. Don't ever dare 
to come near me again. This room is yours but beyond that 
door (Points l.) the house is mine. Never cross that threshold 
on peril of your life. Henceforth we are strangers. 

[EXITS D. L. slamming door. 

Doctor. Well, I'll be darned. Whoever would have thought 
that my Chloe would kick up such a row about a little pug 
dog? (.Takes pug out and places it on table) 



44 Bride and Groom. 

a 

ENTER D. R. Andy. 

Andy. Well, how did the scheme work? 

Doctor. It didn't work at all. Chloe refuses to have any- 
thing to do with it. (Chloe appears d. l. listening) 

Andy (dozvn r.). That's too bad. 

Doctor (goes to him). Of course, it is- It's unreasonable. 
She told me never to cross the threshold of that door. She 
never wants to look upon my face again. And we were only 
married this morning. 

Andy. Well, what'll we do with it? 

Doctor. We'll have to send it away again. 

Andy. If you send it back to her, it will hurt her feelings. 
You know how sensitive she is. 

Doctor. Yes. We won't do that in any event I have it! 
We'll tell her that it has been lost. 

Andy. And in the meantime 

Doctor. In the meantime, what? 

Andy (loiv, dramatic voice). We'll get rid of it. 

Chloe. Oh ! (Staggers, and recovers herself with difficulty) 

Doctor. We'll drown it. Throw it in the lake. 

Andy. That's the best plan. Wait till midnight, then tie a 
heavy stone about its neck and toss it in the lake. 

Doctor. That's the only way. It's good-bye little Septimus. 
And I thought Chloe would learn to love you in time. Put him 
in the cupboard and at midnight we'll get him and toss him in 
the lake. [EXIT d. r. 

Andy. It's too bad, he's such a playful little rascal, too. 

[EXIT d. l. Chloe, unseen by Andy. 

Andy (takes pug). Well, you'll have lots of fun with the 
mermaids at the iDottom of the lake. (Puts basket containing pug 
in cupboard R.) I wish the other thirty-six were going to keep 
you company. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER D. L. Chloe. 

Chloe. They've gone. Oh, the villains. The horrible mur- 
derers. And Uncle Andy is just as bad as Raymond. I must 
prevent it. I must save that innocent young life from a watery 
grave. (Goes to telephone) Hello! 

ENTER Aunt Eudora d. l. 

Aunt E. Chloe, where have you been? (Sees her) Oh, 
excuse me. 



Bride and Groom. 45 

Chloe. Central, I want 547. It's very important. 547, quick. 

Aunt E. Is anything the matter? 

Chloe. Hello, is this the police headquarters? 

Aunt E. (l.). Police headquarters? Good heavens! 

Chloe. This is Mrs. Dr. Bancroft, 992 Elm Place. Send a 
couple of officers over here at once. At once, do you hear! 
To prevent a murder! {Pause) Yes, some men are going to 
murder a baby. They're going to tie a stone around its neck and 
drop it in the lake at midnight. {Pause) Yes, have them come 
at once. {Hangs up receiver) 

Aunt E. Chloe, Chloe, what does this mean? 

Chloe. It means that Ray Bancroft and Andy Dusenberry are 
going to sacrifice a young life. It means that my heart is broken, 
it means that I will never look upon the face of my husband 
again. Oh, why did I ever get married. {Sobs, supported by 
Aunt Eudora) 

Aunt E. Come to your room and lie down. You're all ex- 
cited. Surely there must be a mistake. 

Chloe. I made a mistake this morning when I got married- 
Oh, Aunt Eudora, my heart is breaking. 

[EXIT D. L., supported by Aunt Eudora. 

Wallace {looks and then climbs in at zvindow).- Now's me 
chance. I'll get even with that doctor guy if it means the jug 
for me. {Puts articles in bag) The place seems deserted. I 
might as well make a clean sweep, while I'm about it. {Climbs 
up on chair and removes picture from wall) 

ENTER D. L. Maggie. 

Maggie {sees Wallace and screams loudly). Ah! {Faints in 
chair dozvn L.) 

Wallace. A skirt ! {Puts picture on table c, takes sack and 
jumps out of the window) 

ENTER D. l. Aunt Eudora. 

Aunt E. What is it ? Maggie I What's happened ? 
Maggie. It's a burglar, mum. Oh, my nerves, my nerves- 
He's stole everything in sight. 

Aunt E. Come, we'll lock ourselves in my room. Hurry. 
Maggie. My nerves, my nerves ! 

[EXIT D. l., running with Aunt Eudora. 



49 Bride and Oroom. 

ENTER D. R. Doctor. 

Doctor. Now to see Chloe and make my peace with Her. 
{Goes c). 

■ENTER D. R. Henn. 

Henn. The chief sent me over here to see what all the trouble 
is about. 
. Doctor. Trouble? There isn't any trouble. 

Henn. Somebody telephoned him that a baby was going to 
be drowned in the lake. 

Doctor. The chief had better mind his own business. I've 
got troubles enough of my own. 

Henn. Oh, ho, you have, have you? And who are you, I'd 
like to know? 

Doctor. I am the master of this house. I am the doctor. 

Henn {takes his arm). Come along with me. You're under 
arrest. 

Doctor (shakes his hand off). Arrest? On what grounds? 

Henn. You're a suspicious character. You say you're the 
doctor, but I know darned well you ain't. The doctor is a young 
Irish gent, and he's a friend of mine. 

Doctor. I tell you I am the doctor. Anybody in town can 
identify me. 

Henn. That'll do now. Will you come peacefully, or will I 
use the handcuffs. 

Doctor. You let me go! (They struggle R.y 

ENTER D. L. Chloe. 

Chloe. The police! (Totters c-) Take him away. He's 
going to tie a stone around its little neck and throw it in the 
lake. 

Doctor. Here's my wife ; she can identify me. 

Chloe. Take him away ! 

Henn. Is this your husband? 

Chloe. Henceforth we are strangers. (Sinks in chair c.) 

Henn. She don't know you. I'll bet you're the crook from 
Joplin. Come on. (Drags Doctor off l.) LIVELY MUSIC. 

Chloe (rising). No, no! What have I done? (Sinks in chair 
at c. and faints) 

ENTER D. r. Andy. 

Andy. They've arrested the doctor. (Sees Chloe) Chloe! 



Bride and Groom, 47 

She's fainted. Water, water! (Rushes out R., meets Maggie at 
door, throws her aside, and exits R.) 

Maggie (staggering down l.). It's the burglar. Help, help! 
(Sinks in chair at l.) 

ENTER D. R. Aunt Eudora. 

Aunt E. Is everybody murdered? Oh, Chloe! (Rushes to 
her) 

Chloe (recovering). They've taken him away, and I'll never 
see him again. (Rises and crosses to d. r.) Oh, Raymond, 
Raymond- 

Aunt E. (sinks in chair vacated by Chloe)". What's happened 
to Raymond ? 

Chloe. He's arrested. And it's all my fault. 

Maggie (down l.). Oh, my nerves, my nerves! 

ENTER D. R. Andy with glass of water, 

Andy (rushes to Aunt Eudora and dashes water in her facef. 
There! (Aunt Eudora jcr^aw.y) 

ENTER D. L. Jerry and Kathleen. They go to cupboard R. 

Jerry. Hush up, Kathleen, your baby is here. (Opens cup- 
board and reaches in, takes out pug without looking at it) 

Kath. Oh, me baby, me baby! 

Jerry (hands her the pug). Here's your baby! 

Kath. (sees it). Ah! (Gives loud scream and faints in 
Jerry's arms down r.) 

Andy (oti knees to Aunt Eudora c-). Oh, forgive me; for- 
give me. 

Aunt E. (takes picture from table and slaps it over Andy's 
head). There I 

CURTAIN. 



48 pride and Groom* 



ACT III. 

SCENE as Act I. Time, about ii o'clock the same night- 
Lights half-doivn throughout act- Stage dark- Curtain rises 
to mysterious pisicatti music and bare stage is DISCOV- 
ERED. A knock is heard at D. R. After a pause, the win- 
doiu is sloivly opened and a dark lantern appears in window- 
Jerry and Kathleen climb in at window- 

Jerry. There don't same to be any one about. The doctor is 
in the lock-up and all the women folks must be in bed. 

Kath. Yes, but where's me baby? That's all I'm worryin' 
about, is me darlin' little Jerry. Whatever's became of him? 

Jerry. Whist, woman, wait till I turn on the light. 

Kath. {grieving)- Oh, me child, me child, I'll niver see me 
little darlin' again, and him me first, too. 

Jerry. Here's the switch. (Lights on stage come on) 

Kath. Now see if you can find me darlin' for me- Oh, why 
did I ever trust him out of me sight. It's a fine father you are, 
to be losin' your only son and heir. Oh, maybe he's murdered 
wid a stone tied around his neck in the bottom of the lake. And 
it's all your fault, so it is. Oh, me baby, me baby! (IVeeps- 
Sits r.) 

Jerry. Hush your noise, Kathleen, darlin'. I'll find him for 
you ; I'll find him if I have to dive down to the bottom of the sea. 

Kath. Oh, it's drownded dead he is, and now see what you've 
done. Where did you leave him? 

Jerry. The last I seen of him he was in that cupboard. 

Kath. (goes and looks in cupboard R-). Niver a sign of him. 
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, me heart is breakin', so it is- 

Jerry. Maybe it was the other cupboard. 

Kath. I'll see. (Opens door of cupboard c. screams) Oh, 
Jerry ! 

Jerry (runs to her). Oh, what is it? 

Kath. There's been murder done. Look in there. There's 
a dead man there, with niver a stitch of skin on him at all, at all. 
Oh, what kind of a place is this? And where's me child? Me 
little baby. 



Bride and Groom. 49 

Jerry (cautiously and tremblingly opens door of cupboarS c.)« 
Oh, ho! (Runs to her) 

Kath. Did you see it, Jerry? 

Jerry. I did. It's a skeleton. Pshaw, that's nothing at all. 
All doctor's have skeletons, I'm goin' to rouse the house. 
(Raps D. L.) 

Kath. Only get me my child, and we'll lave this place for- 
ever. 

Jerry (rapping and pounding D. l.). Hello, there! Are you 
dead ? It's me — Jerry ! Open the door. It's Jerry. 

Kath. (after a pause). Do you hear anything at all, at all? 

Jerry. I hear someone walking around. Maybe the doctor 
has murdered all of them. 

Kath. (renewed groaning). Murdered them? Oh, me child, 
me baby. 

Aunt E. (inside). Who's that out there? 

Jerry. It's me, mum. It's Jerry. Plase come out. Sure, I 
thought ye were all killed entirely. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Eudora, wearing dresstng-gozvn. 

Aunt E. What's happened now, Jerry? Oh, what an awful 
night ! I'll never forget this night if I live to be forty. 

Kath. I'm after me child. Me little Jerry. Have you seen 
him? 

Aunt E. Do you mean the baby? 

Jerry. Yis, mum. The baby, mum. Me own little darling. 

Aunt E. The baby is here all safe and sound. Maggie! 
Maggie ! 

Kath. The saints be praised. Me child is safe and sound. 

Aunt E. Is this your wife, Jerry? 

Jerry. Yis, mum, the cat's out of the bag now. I'm a married 
man, mum, this is me wife and the baby is me only child. 

Aunt E. I see it all. Maggie! 

Maggie (outside). Yes, ma'am. I hear you, but I'm skeered 
to come in. 

Aunt E. Bring the baby here at once. 

Maggie. Oh, my nerves, my nerves ! 

Aunt E. But why did you deceive me, Jerry? You told me 
you weren't married. 

Jerry. I thought I wouldn't get the job if I was a married 
man, so I thought I'd be a single man for the time being, mum. 

Aunt E. But think of all the worry you have caused me. 



50 B*ide and Groom. 

ENTER D. L. Maggie, carrying baby, followed by Chloe. 

Kath. Me child, me child! (Grabs baby, and crosses R.) 

Aunt E. (c)- Chloe, what do you think? This is Jerry's 
wife 

Jerry (r. c-)- And Jerry's little boy, mum. 

Chloe. Jerry's ? 

Aunt E. Yes, it seems he isn't a single man, after all. 

Chloe. Are you sure of this? 

Jerry. Begorry, if she ain't, I am. 

Maggie (l.). I always suspected him of being a villain, ma'am. 

Chloe (l. c.). But why all this mystery then? 

Aunt E. Simply because Jerry was posing as a single man. 

Chloe. Oh, and poor Raymond is spending the night in the 
lock-up. What shall we do? 

ENTER D. R. Andy. 

Andy. No, he isn't- I got him out and he's over at the hotel. 

Chloe. But why did you want to murder the poor little 
thing? 

Andy (c). Murder it? We didn't. 

Chloe. You did. I heard you and Raymond say you were 
going to tie a stone about its neck and drop it in the lake at 
midnight. 

Kath. (l., ivails)- Oh, me baby, me baby! 

Andy. That wasnt' the baby — that was the dog. 

Chloe. Dog, what dog? 

Andy. Miss Eudora's wedding present to you. 

Chloe. But I never saw any dog. 

Aunt E. (angrily to Andy). And were you going to drown 
poor little Septimus? 

Andy. Not me. Why, Eudora, you know I love every one 
of them. All thirty-seven. 

Chloe. Then it's all been a mistake? Oh, why doesn't Ray 
come and explain everything. 

Andy. It was just a little joke, that's all. Just a joke, just 
like his wonderful string of patients yesterday. 

Chloe. What do you mean? Weren't they really his patients? 

Aunt E. We hired them for the occasion, dear. Raymond's 
only been a doctor for six months. He must have time to work 
up a practice. 

Chloe. Then he deceived me? He wilfully deceived me? 
Why, then he married me under false pretenses. 



Bride and Groom. 51 

Aunt E. But, Chloe ■■ 

Chloe. That's enough. You've all deceived me, but Raymond 
Bancroft was at the bottom of the whole business. Very well. 
To-morrow I return to my home in Joplin. 

Others. But, Chloe 

Chloe. My mind is made up. Miss Eudora, come with me, 
and lock that door. (Pointing l.) Doctor Bancroft and I are 
strangers ! 

Aunt E. But 

Chloe. I'm not a child, and I won't be treated as a child. 
I never want to look on his face again. (Goes to d. l.) See 
that this door is locked. [EXIT d. l. 

Andy. Well, what do you think of that ? 

Aunt E. She'll change her mind to-morrow. It really was 
too bad for us to have deceived her so. 

Jerry. Excuse me, mum, but I supposed I am discharged, is 
it? 

Aunt E. You deceived me, Jerry. 

Andy. Now, Eudora, what difference does it make whether 
Jerry is married or not. He makes a splendid butler. 

Aunt E. Well, you and your wife can come over to my house 
in the morning, and we'll talk it over. 

Chloe (off l.). Miss Eudora! 

Aunt E. I'm coming. Good night, Andy. Pleasant dreams- 

Andy. I'll have something to say to you to-morrow, Eudora. 
Something very important. You understand, don't you? 

Aunt E. I think I do. Good night. [EXIT d. l. 

Jerry. I don't think she's going to discharge me after all. 
You'll be after spakin' a good word for me, won't you, sir? 

Andy. Of course, I will. 

Jerry. Thank ye, kindly, sir. Come, Kathleen ! 

Kath. I'm coming. Good night, sor. [EXIT r. zvith Jerry. 

Andy. Maggie, I want a word with you. 

Maggie. Oh, my nerves, my nerves. I'm going to give notice 
in the morning. Another day like this and I won't have a nerve 
left in my whole body, as the sayin' is. ( While Maggie is talking, 
Andy pulls slouch hat over his face and ties black silk handker- 
chief over month) 

Andy. How do I look? 

Maggie (looks at him). Suffering seeds of punkin ! Oh, mj^ 
nerves, my nerves. 

Andy. Don't be foolish. You know me, don't you, Maggie? 
(^Removes hat and handkerchief) 



52 Bride and Groom. 

Maggie. I thought you was a burglar; though they ginerally 
(don't let folks know when they're around. 

Andy. You wouldn't know me if I had on that hat and that 
handkerchief, now would you? 

Maggie. Your own wife wouldn't know you like that, that is if 
you had a wife, which you ain't and maybe never will have none- 

Andy. Now, Maggie, here's a five dollar bill. I want you to 
do me a favor. 

Maggie (takes money). What is it, Mr. Dusenberry. 

Andy. I'm going to bring about a reconciliation between the 
bride and groom. 

Maggie. Goin' to' bring 'em what, sir? 

Andy. I'm going to make them make up their trouble. I want 
you to leave that window open to-night, and I want you to leave 
that door (Points to d. l.) unlocked. 

Maggie. No, sir ! Nothing doing, as the sayin' is. Suppose 
a burglar would git in. 

Andy. That's precisely what is going to happen, and I'm 
going to be the burglar. 

Maggie. You, a burglar? At your time of life? And you 
always been such a respectable gent, too. 

Andy. Now listen to me, Maggie. The doctor is going to 
wait outside and his wife will get scared when she hears the 
burglar and she'll yell for help. The doctor will come in and 
save her, and it'll be all right. It's the only way. I know Chloe. 

Maggie. Oh, my nerves, my nerves ! 

Andy. You tell Chloe that if she hears anything wrong in the 
night to run to the west window and yell. 

Maggie. What'll she hear, sir? 

Andy. She'll hear the burglar. I'm going to burgle. 

Maggie. You'll get arrested, Mr. Dusenberry, and being a 
burglar ain't respectable. What'll all the folks say when they 
know you've turned into a desperado? 

Andy. I'm not going to be a real burglar ; I'm only going to 
pretend. Be sure and tell Chloe to yell for help. 

Maggie. Shall I tell her the doctor is out there ready to rescue 
her? 

Andy. Of course not. That would spoil everything. 

Maggie. Oh, I'm just to tell her that it's you who is the bur- 
glar and not to be skeered. 

Andy. No, no; she must think I am a real burglar. Now, you 
understand, don't you? Leave the window open for me, and 
leave the door unlocked. To-morrow you'll get another five 



Bride and Groom. 53 

dollars. Now, don't make any mistakes. (Puts on hat and hand- 
kerchief) I'll wait in the shade of the old barn. 

[EXIT D. R. melodramatically. 
Maggie. Oh, my nerves, my nerves. And to think of Mr. 
Andy Dusenberry who's always been a good man before a turnin' 
to a burglar at his age. Oh, I'm just about skeered to death. 

ENTER D. L. Chloe and Aunt Eudora. 

Chloe. Maggie, whatever are you doing here all this time? 
It's getting late. Be sure and lock everything up good to-night. 
We three women are all alone in the house. 

Aunt E. Yes, and I'm that frightened I know I'll die if I 
hear a mouse squeak. 

Maggie. A mouse ? Humph ! It's more'n a mouse you'll hear 
this night. But you want to yell out of the west window, and 
yell loud, and I hope and pray the police will hear you and 
take the both of them to the station-house. 

Chloe. The both of them? 

Aunt E. Maggie, what do you mean? 

Maggie. I don't mean anything in particular, ma'am. It's 
only my nerves. 

Chloe. You talk as if you expected a burglar or two. 

Aunt E. I'm sure nobody knows we're all alone in the house. 

Maggie. There's some that knows, but I'll say no more. Only 
this, when you hear it you wanter open the west window and 
yell fex help as loud as you can. 

Chloe. When I hear what? 

Maggie. I don't know jest what you will hear, but don't for- 
get it's the west window you're to holler out of. 

Chloe. Oh, I'm beginning to be frightened already. 

Aunt E. I think we'd better go over to my house. 

Chloe (looks out of window). But it's so dark outside, and 
the yard may be full of burglars. 

Maggie. iNo'm, not full, only two of 'em, and them both inex- 
perienced, as the sayin' is. 

Aunt E. What do you mean? Did you see them, Maggie? 

Maggie. I'll say no more, but go upstairs and hide under 
the bed. Good night and pleasant dreams to you, but remember 
it's the west window you're to holler out of. [EXIT d. l. 

Chloe. She's gone upstairs. 

Aunt E. (listening at L.). She's locked her door. 



54 Bride and Groom. 

Chloe {very frightened). And we're all alone. Maggie doesn't 
care what might happen to us- 

Aunt E. Why on earth did you order Raymond to stay away 
from the house? 

Chloe. Oh, I wish I hadn't. Suppose a burglar does come? 

Aunt E. And we'll be murdered in our beds. Oh, Chloe ! 
{Clings to her) 

Chloe. Maggie talked very suspiciously. I wonder if she 
can be a what-do-you-call-it? 

Aunt E. An accomplice? I never thought of that. 

Chloe. She must be. That's why she told me to scream from 
the west window. She's in league with the burglars. 

Aunt E. Oh, Chloe ! 

Chloe. And they'll steal all my wedding presents. And the 
beautiful necklace Uncle Andy gave me, and my diamonds and 
everything. {Weeps) 

Aunt E. Hark! {Both listen tensely) Did you hear any- 
thing? 

Chloe. I thought I did. {Pause) There it is again. 

Aunt E. It's Maggie. She's snoring. 

Chloe. Oh, I'm so afraid. I wish I hadn't been such a 
s-s-silly goose about Raymond. If he were here I'm sure the 
burglars wouldn't dare come in. 

Aunt E. I have an idea. You go and get Raymond's coat and 
hang it up in here. That will scare the burglars. 

Chloe. I'm afraid to go. 

Aunt E. Come to the front room upstairs. We can lock the 
door and hide in the closet. 

Chloe. Maybe we'd better go into the kitchen. Burglars 
never go to the kitchen, and if they did we could hide in the 
flour barrels. 

Aunt E. No, it's safer upstairs. Come. 

Chloe. Oh! {Pause) I thought I heard something. 

Aunt E. It's your imagination. Come. {They go out d. l. 
timidly. Andy and Doctor appear at window zvith flash-lights) 

Doctor. Come on, it's all right. There's nobody here. {They 
climb in) 

Andy {turns on the lights)- I guess they're all asleep. 

Doctor {tries d. l.). The door isn't locked. 

Andy. No, I told Maggie to leave it open. 

Doctor. I don't think your scheme will work at all. We'll 
both land in jail, and I've just gotten out. I tell you I've had 



Bride and Groom. 55 

enough of that jail in three hours to last me the rest of tny 
life. 

Andy. But you know how set in her ways Chloe is. Now this 
is going to be dead easy. See I'll pull my hat down like this, and 
slip on this handkerchief like this, then I'll slip in there. (Points 
to L.) I'll make a noise and that will frighten Chloe. 

Doctor. But I don't want to frighten Chloe. She hates me 
enough now. 

Andy. Nonsense, she doesn't hate you. That's just her way- 
I'll frighten her. She'll think I'm a real burglar. She'll open 
the west window and scream for help 

Doctor. How do you know she will ? 

Andy. I've got it all fixed with Maggie. She'll scream for 
help and you'll rush in and rescue her. 

Doctor. Rescue who? Maggie? 

Andy. No — Chloe. She'll think you're a hero and receive you 
with open arms, and thus will bride and groom be reunited. 
See? 

Doctor. No, I don't see. What good is it going to do to scare 
Chloe half to death by making her think you're a burglar? 

Andy. Well, as the matter stands now, she thinks she doesn't 
need a husband to protect her. She thinks she is able to take care 
of herself. We've got to show her that she's only a poor, weak, 
defenseless female, unable to protect herself from a burglar. 

Doctor. Yes, but I don't see 

Andy. Wait a minute and I'll explain. Now you go outside 
and hide in the garden while I go in and steal the silver. 

Doctor. Steal the silver? 

Andy. Sure, I'll put it in a pillow case. We've got to make 
this thing realistic. She'll yell, you'll come in and we'll have a 
struggle. 

Doctor. I'll bust your head. We've got to be realistic. 

Andy. No, no, we mustn't be too realistic. We'll just make 
a noise with a couple of chairs. Then I'll escape and she'll fall 
in your arms with her head on your shoulder. Now, let's get 
busy. Beat it. 

Doctor (at ivindozv). Then I'm to wait till I hear her scream? 

Andy. Yes. Go around to the west side of the house- Maggie 
told her to scream out of the west window. 

Doctor. All right. This is your scheme, remember. And if 
we get in any trouble about it, you've got to take the responsi- 
bility. [EXIT through zvindow- 

Andy (ivearing handkerchief over face). Ah, ha! Now for 



56 Bride and Groom. 

the dirty work. First, I'll steal the silver. Then I'll come in 
here and turn over a chair. That will alarm Choe. It's working 
like a charm. Now for the silver! 

[EXIT D. L. melodramatically. Pause. Wallace appears at 
window. 

Wallace. This is a funny place. They always leave the 
window open and the lamp lit. The doc. is safe in jail and I 
guess the women are all alone. Wallace, me lad, here is your 
golden opportunity. {He climbs in at the window) First, I'll 
turn down the light. (Stage lights % down) Now for me 
mask. (Puts on handkerchief similar to Andy's) I wonder 
where they keep the wedding presents. (Flashes dark lantern 
around) I've already got everything out of this room. (Goes 
L.) This is the door leading to the house. Now for a grand 
haul. (EXIT D. L. Pause. Then Wallace and Andy fall in 
from l. struggling locked in embrace) You will, will you. 
(Forces Andy to knees at l.) 

Andy. Oh, it's all a mistake. It's all a mistake. 

Wallace (taking sack from Andy). Got the silver, too. 
Have you? Take that and that! (Hits him. Andy falls L.) 
This handkerchief will make a good gag. (Gags Andy) This is 
about the easiest thing I ever struck. (Up to window) A cinch, 
a regular lead-pipe cinch. (About to climb out of windoiv. 
Doctor appears and holds him) 

Doctor. Hold on, I've caught you. (Doctor gets in) 

Wallace. Well, I'll be blowed. (They struggle, Doctor trips 
him and they both fall and roll over and over. Finally the table 
overturned. Maggie, Aunt Eudora and Chloe scream loudly 
off L.) 

Doctor. Have you got enough ? 

Wallace (underneath). Yep, I've got enough. So help me 
Bob. 

Doctor. Where's Chloe? 

Wallace. Where's who? 

Doctor (looks at him). It isn't Uncle Andy! (Gags Wallace. 
Screams heard from l. Henn appears at window) 

Henn (presenting revolver). Hands up! I've got you. 

ENTER d. l. Maggie, in dressing-sack and ringing large dinner 

bell. 

Maggie. Help, murder, fire, police I (Sinks in chair L.) Oh, 
my nerves, my nerves. 



Bride and Groom. 67 

Henn (takes hold of Doctor). And you've even got the 
silver, ain't you. We'd ought to have kept you in the jug when 
we had you. 

Maggie. Take him away, and he used to be a respectable 
man before he took to burglerin'. And now the police has 
got him. 

Henn (to Maggie). Turn up the light. (She does so) 

Maggie, Oh, what a night. I ain't got a single nerve left 
in my constitution. 

Henn. There's three of 'em. (To doctor) But, you're the 
chief. The girl don't give you a very good reputation, does 
she? (Handcuffs Doctor to Wallace) 

Doctor. You'll lose your job for this, my man. I tell you I 
am Doctor Bancroft. 

Henn. And you dare say that to my face? When I caught 
you dead to rights with the silver and everything. 

Doctor. This man (Points to Wallace) robbed the house. 
It's my house. I caught him just as you climbed in at the 
window. 

Henn (goes to Andy). And who's this — another of the 
^ang? 

Doctor. That is my wife's uncle. 

Henn (to Andy). Come on. Get up. I want j^ou too. 
You're arrested. (Andy gagged, makes inarticulate sounds) 

Henn (removes his gag). Now, come along with me. All 
of you. 

Maggie. At his time of life, too. And the doctor who was 
Just married this morning! He's leaving his bride a grass 
widder, as the sayin' is, and her just married. Well, I packs 
up my trunk and leaves this town to-morrow morning. I ain't 
goin' to work fer no burglars. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Eudora and Chloe. 

Aunt E. Oh, what is it? What has happened? 

Chloe. Raymond! (To Aunt Eudora) They've got him 
again. 

Henn. You hear that, do you? (To doctor) You've been 
in trouble before, have you? I'll run the whole bunch of you 
in and hold this woman (Points to Maggie) as a witness. 

Maggie. Run me in? Me? I ain't no burglar, if they are. 
I'm a lady what never yet has had nothing to do with the police. 
I wouldn't even get married to one when I had the chance, 



38r Bride and Groom. 

and him me second cousin on me mother's side. 

Aunt E. Andy, Andy, what does this mean? 

Andy. It's all a mistake. (To Henn) I guess you'll suffer 
for this. Don't you know me ? I'm Judge Dusenberry, Judge 
Andy Dusenberry. 

Henn. If you are, what are you doing here wearing a 
mask and with a couple of crooks? 

Andy. None of your business. This young woman is my 
niece. Can't I come to visit my niece if I want to? Is it any 
of your business? 

Maggie. He came in through the window, sir. And I left it 
open by his orders. Oh, I'm sorry I listened to him, I am. 
To think that I should live to see this night ! 

Henn. Young woman, is this man your uncle? 

Chloe. Yes, sir. He is. 

Henn. And is this one your husband? 

Chloe. Yes, sir. 

Henn. What's the old one doing here, masked, at this time 
of night? Why did he come in through the window? 

Chloe. He was just making a friendly call. He always 
comes in through the window. He prefers to come in that way? 

Aunt E. Officer, you're making a mistake. I am Miss Eudora 
Dodge and that man is my nephew. Doctor Bancroft. 

Henn. But he was stealing the silverware. 

Chloe. He's got a perfect right to steal the silverware if 
he wants to. It's a wedding present and half of it belongs to 
him. 

Henn. And who's this other one? (To Maggie) I suppose 
he is your husband come to make a friendly call? 

Maggie. I never laid eyes on him before. And what's more 
I'm single and unattached to any husband. 

Doctor. May I say a word? 

Henn. Go ahead, but we'll hold it again you when the case 
comes up for trial. 

Doctor. This man is evidently a professional burglar. My 
wife's uncle and myself simply laid a trap for him. We dis- 
guised ourselves as burglars in order to catch him. Now, do 
you understand? 

Wallace. It ain't so. This is my house. I came to call on 
my wife. I allers comes through the window. (Points to Aunt 
Eudora) That lady is my wife. 

Aunt E. I ? Support me, Maggie, I'm going to faint. 



Bride and Groom. 59 

Henn. Wait a minute. Don't faint yet. Is this man your 
husband? 

Aunt E. He is not. He's a burglar. Take him away. 

Henn. That settles it. (Drags Wallace to d. r., Doctor being 
handcuffed to him is also dragged R.) 

Doctor. Here, release me. I'm not a burglar. 

Henn (releases him). And will you come down to the police 
station in the morning. 

Andy. Yes, we'll all come down. Surely you know me, Judge 
Andy Dusenberry. 

Henn. Yes, I think your face looks familiar. 

Andy. Well, I'll vouch for this young man. He is Dr. Ban- 
croft and this is his wife. That's all- Good night. 

Henn. I dunno, but what I'm making a mistake. 

Doctor. No, you've been making mistakes all day, but for 
once in your life you're doing the right thing. 

Henn. Well, don't forget to report in the morning. Come 
on, you ! [EXIT d. r., zvith Wallace. 

Chloe (to Doctor at r-). Ray, Ray, can you ever forgive me? 

Doctor. Forgive you? Why, you're my wife. (Embrace) 

Aunt E. Andy ! 

Andy. Eudora, will you marry me? 

Aunt E. Yes, Andy, I will. (Embrace) 

Maggie. Oh, my nerves, my nerves ! (l.) 

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